Discovering the other blog has definitely brought up some discomfort. It hurts so much to sit where I am right now, to have so many things unanswered and undone. Yet I know that deep down this path I am on is where I am supposed to be and as much as I want to be on a different path, I can't be, not yet.

I am thankful that I am not alone on this path, though often times I feel I am. I know that God is here with me and helping me hold on to the strength needed to get us all through.

My children are an incredible blessing to me. While my heart breaks for each of their individual pain, I am thankful that they still hope. I am thankful that they are finding it easier daily to turn their thoughts and prayers to GOD as well.

I know that through all of this there is a bigger picture, a larger purpose, and for now I have to be content with that, with the unknown and the unimaginable.

We are safe in the arms of GOD at this moment for we have an umbrella of protection above us and a hedge of protection around as at all times.

Proverbs 24:14 

Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off.

Today's Prayer: 

Thank you Lord for giving me "fight" instead of "flight" and for showing me how to use my fight to serve you and others.

I am struggling so much lately with forgiveness. The actions of hurt and insult by others are consuming my every waking moment with anger and thoughts of revenge. I don't like this, I do not like how this feels in my soul. I loathe how dark it is making my life. This act of un-forgiveness I am stubbornly holding in my heart certainly makes me feel like a complete hypocrite as well. Matthew 5:39 New International Version (NIV) 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. I do not want to turn the other cheek to them, I want to slap them back, harder and with more power than they have slapped me with. And here is where I struggle so deeply. I do not want to be an angry woman, a woman who hold grudges and hurts others for any reason, but with a few certain people, I just can not seem to let go of the pain they have caused, the hurt the enjoy inflicting. I want them to hurt too, more than I do. A very dark part of me wants to celebrate their eventual fall and pain, to dance for joy when they lose all they have tried to destroy in me. And that makes me feel so much worse than what they have done to me. Father...... I clearly have a lot of work to do where it comes to forgiveness! I cry to you to lift me up and remove from me this dark side that holds me back from forgiving and being forgiven. For you have said ..... Matthew 6:14-15 ESV / For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. I want to be forgiven and to forgive. Forgive me too for all that I have unforgiven!

I am struggling so much lately with forgiveness.  The actions of hurt and insult by others are consuming my every waking moment with anger and thoughts of revenge.  I don't like this, I do not like how this feels in my soul.  I loathe how dark it is making my life.

This act of un-forgiveness I am stubbornly holding in my heart certainly makes me feel like a complete hypocrite as well.

Matthew 5:39

³⁹ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.

I do not want to turn the other cheek to them, I want to slap them back, harder and with more power than they have slapped me with.  And here is where I struggle so deeply.  I do not want to be an angry woman, a woman who hold grudges and hurts others for any reason, but with a few certain people, I just can not seem to let go of the pain they have caused, the hurt the enjoy inflicting.  I want them to hurt too, more than I do.  A very dark part of me wants to celebrate their eventual fall and pain, to dance for joy when they lose all they have tried to destroy in me.  And that makes me feel so much worse than what they have done to me.

Today's Prayer: 

Dear Father,  I clearly have a lot of work to do where it comes to forgiveness!  I cry to you to lift me up and remove from me this dark side that holds me back from forgiving and being forgiven.  For you have said   Matthew 6:14-15  

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses (Matthew 6:15)

 I want to be forgiven and to forgive.  Forgive me too for all that I have unforgiven!

Protection

Psalm 127:3

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.

It is so difficult to move forward everyday with a smile on my face and my head held high when I feel evil lurking at every corner.  This year has been so difficult and it seems to only get more difficult.  I am so very tired of being in defense mode.

I am tired of watching my children suffer from so much emotional pain and lack of consideration on the part of others.  I will never understand the need for grown adults to hurl painful comments and put down children in any form, but I am especially tired of these hurtful actions and comments being directed at my children.  I know I can not change who others are or how they act, I can only change my actions and reactions and how I deal with the problem people and I can pray for them.

Today's Prayer:
Dear Father,  I ask that you continue to protect my children from the evil and painful desires of others.  Protect not just their physical beings from the pain others try to inflict, but also their emotional and spiritual well being, as that is where the attacks are taking place.  Guide me and instruct me on how to handle the situation and especially on how to heal these children from what has already been said and done.


In Jesus Name~

Dear Lord,

I sit before you now, confused, frustrated, frightened and full of anxiousness.  All of these I know are not what you want for me, yet somehow today I am holding tight to all of these emotions.

I am so very worried about a job.  I know there is a plan, have you revealed it to me and I can't see it?  Am I looking to hard, as I tend to do?  Am I so desperate I am blocking your voice?  Whatever the reason I ask you to be bolder, louder and get my attention.  I feel there is something great you are calling me to do, I just can't seem to figure out what it is.

I am also worried about the family matters at hand.  I thought I had reached a peace there, but I have realized I am a long way from that right now.  Please  Lord keep that umbrella of protection over each of us and that hedge of protection around each of us.  Help me to keep looking to you for answers and comfort and not to be deceived by the lies of Satan.  I feel he is doggedly persuing many members of my immediate family and fear he will take at least one.  I trust You to stop him and I know that you will.

Thank you again for the wonderful blessing of my Church home.  While I have found it difficult today to find much to be grateful for besides the obvious(children and family, which I am TRULY grateful for), I found  real peace in the message today and a step towards surrender.  JT did a wonderful job reaching into my mind and bringing my sins into a better perspective.  So thank you!

Help me tomorrow to look to YOU for all the things that trouble me, scare me, frustrate me or bring me joy!  Help me please to focus more on you and your desires than on me and my own. 

In Jesus Name...................

Amen!

Isiah 46:4

Even to your old age, I am He, And even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made, and I will bear; Even I will carry, and will deliver you

It hurts so much to sit where I am right now, to have so many things unanswered and undone.  Yet I know that deep down this path I am on is where I am supposed to be and as much as I want to be on a different path, I can't be, not yet.

I am thankful that I am not alone on this path, though often times I feel I am.  I know that God is here with me and helping me hold on to the strength needed to get us all through.  

My children are an incredible blessing to me.  While my heart breaks for each of their individual pain, I am thankful that they still hope.  I am thankful that they are finding it easier daily to turn their thoughts and prayers to GOD as well.

I know that through all of this there is a bigger picture, a larger purpose, and for now I have to be content with that, with the unknown and the unimaginable.  

We are safe in the arms of GOD at this moment for we have an umbrella of protection above us and a hedge of protection around as at all times.

Today's Prayer:

Thank you Lord for giving me "fight" instead of "flight" and show me how to use my fight to serve you and others.

Anger

Colossians 3:8 

But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.

I have spent the entire day angry.  Incredibly, uncontrollably, unbelieveably angry!!  Anger is such a negative emotion, one that goes against everything I believe in and one that goes against what GOD wants us to be.

My anger is a huge monster that is taking on life and breath of it's own.  It scares me.  There is no specified reason today for this large amount of anger, though there is enough going on in my life to warrant anger, yet angry is NOT where I want to be.

I know how to pray for anger that is directed at others, but how do I pray when it's directed inward, when there is no specific reason to be angry?  Truth be told, I don't even want to pray today my anger is so strong.  This anger  does not want to acknowledge there is a way out and that prayer will get me there. 

This rolling monster of anger that pulses within me is destructive to my walk and yet I feel powerless to stop it. 

On an intellectual level I know Satan is waging a war against my walk into the light, but I am emotional and don't know how to defeat him at this time intellectually............all I can do is fall to me knees and cry out..........



Today's Prayer:
Dear Lord,
Please take this anger from me! I do not want to be controlled by this negative emotion any longer.

Out of the Darkness

1 John 1:5

This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.

I have decided to create  this blog as a way to share with others the walk I am on personally.

I am a Christian, though most days it doesn't feel like it.  Most days I question my faith and beliefs, most days I am insecure in my walk.  This blog has come about because of years worth of jogging up and down the path of Christianity. 

I was baptized at the age of 5.  And that was about the extent of church in my childhood.  Despite that, as a child I knew God.  I would have conversations with him often.  When my parents divorced, he was there to comfort me.  I could feel his arms holding me.  I rested in his protection and fed off his strength.  As I grew older I continued to have my conversations with GOD.  I would consult him often and foremost for any adolescent problems I had, fears I had or pain I experienced and I always knew that I was safe and would survive.  He was always present, ALWAYS.

Sometime in my preteen to early teen years, I shared with a friend my special relationship with GOD and was informed I was ~~~CRAZY~~~and I began to doubt. As a result,  I stopped talking to GOD, stopped turning to GOD, stopped relying on GOD.  I never stopped believing.

As I grew up, it was easy to believe, but not act on my beliefs.  I knew GOD existed, but I no longer knew how to regain that close personal relationship I had as a child. 

Over the years the bright light that nourished my childhood has dimmed and I began to live in darkness.  Pure, terror stricken darkness.  My life became ever more confusing, lost and miserable. 

Forward to now.  Recent events have pushed me back into the desire and search for that personal relationship renewal with GOD a search for light an end to darkness.  It is no longer a thought in my head, but a necessity for survival.

So this is my journey to regain the relationship I once had.  My journey from darkness into light.  A rebirth of life and love.

These words are my struggles to find that peace again, to find that serenity, to return to blind faith.  These posts are my desires to help others out there know they are not alone, for please and surely don't let me be the only one who struggles this hard with my faith.

(Most of the past blog posts will be taken from my personal handwritten journal, they could be hard to understand, for that I apologize, sort of.)




Today's Prayer:


Dear Father, 
Thank you for loving my broken self.  For allowing me to come to You for all areas of my life and for the joy that is abundant in you.  Thank you for giving me this outlet and place to share my journey with others, in the hopes that maybe my struggles and strife can touch and help another's life.
In Jesus Name: