Lost

Inspirational Quote:

Once you choose hope, anything's possible.

~Christopher Reeve

Lately I have been feeling overly frustrated, unaccomplished and just plain low.  These feelings have been a constant struggle for me to pull out of and I am exhausted. 

I am particularly frustrated God's purpose for me.  I am not sure if I am deaf to what he is saying to me, or just plain stupid, but I am lacking direction from Him.  This is so frustrating for me because I am left living in limbo, without direction and purpose and constantly feel as though every thing I am doing, I am doing wrong or am not supposed to be doing.

As I child, I could discern God's voice clearly in my head from all others.  I knew exactly what was wanted and expected of me.  There was no question, there was no doubt, I knew when I had pleased My Father and when I did not exactly please Him.  I felt as a child, I had purpose.  I have not felt that purpose for my life, since I was a child.

I know that I blocked God's voice in my life in my teenage years.  As I got older, the natural relationship I had with him became strained, as I started to care what other's thought.  As a teenager my family didn't go to Church, I occasionally went with friends, but they were "forced" to go, so I could never let on how excited I was.  I stopped caring what God wanted, needed and thought of me, and started caring what my friends wanted, needed and thought of me.  I began to ignore God and then eventually learned to block all communication from God.  

For many years, this didn't really bother me.  I still tried to live "right", to be kind, courteous, respectful, to not break the law or the "rules".  But always something was missing.

As I got older, I began to realize what was missing was that personal closeness and relationship with God.  I began to long for that relationship with God again.  I began to pray more, read the bible here and there, attend Church here and there, but still I couldn't hear Him.  I began to doubt I ever had a relationship with him and fear that I blew the possibility of ever having one again because of the choices I made as a  teenager.  

I have grown much more these last few years and I know God has forgiven me, hears me and answers prayers for me, yet I still can't hear HIM.  I am still struggling to gain my footing and direction from Him.  I know enough to know it's me, not Him that is causing this blockage.  That I still have not torn down the barriers put in place by my teenage independence all those years ago.  I hope that soon, I can break down those barriers and live confident with God directing my life.

Psalm 63:1-8

You, God, are my God, 

   earnestly I seek you; 

I thirst for you, 

   my whole being longs for you, 

in a dry and parched land 

   where there is no water.

 I have seen you in the sanctuary 

   and beheld your power and your glory. 

 Because your love is better than life, 

   my lips will glorify you. 

 I will praise you as long as I live, 

   and in your name I will lift up my hands. 

 I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; 

   with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

  On my bed I remember you; 

   I think of you through the watches of the night. 

 Because you are my help, 

   I sing in the shadow of your wings. 

 I cling to you; 

   your right hand upholds me.

Dear Father,

Thank you for the opportunity to come before you and ask for forgiveness, thank you that you lovingly grant that forgiveness.  Today I seek your forgiveness for pushing you out of my life as a teenager.  I ask that you help me break down the barriers I built up, so that I could no longer hear You.  I ask that you help me push through those barriers, so that we can, once again, have the relationship we did when I was a child.  So all doubt, fear, worry, anxiety and confusion can be swept away and my life will have stability and direction through You.

~In Jesus Name