Acceptance

It seems like forever that I have been on this journey of struggling, constantly turning to God and begging and pleading with him for "something", "anything", "everything" that would make my life so much easier to handle, to live, to love.  

I spent many years miserable, hurting, believing that "if only" would change my world.  "If only" my husband didn't drink so much, "if only" I had a better job, "if only" I were thinner, "If only" I lived in a better home, "if only" ......... you could put just about any circumstance and it would apply to my life and thinking.

I often felt forgotten and rejected by God.  It seemed he NEVER heard a single prayer I sent and if he did answer, they were always, what seemed to me then, the small inconsequential prayers that didn't really change a thing in my life.  

In April of 2010, my life changed dramatically!  I went through an un-imanageable circumstance that came so out of left field, I could only see and imagine that the hell I was suddenly swept into was from Satan.  

It has taken the better part of two years to realize that the horrible circumstance that I woke up to on April 13, 2010 was a miraculous gift from God.  On that day, he began to answer so many of my desperation prayers.  On that day he also began to work in me.  He began to grow and teach me.  He began to develop strength in areas I was weak.  

Sometimes when we don't listen to God and follow His leading, he will use extreme measures to get His point across, which is exactly what he did with me.  What I have learned through God's not so gentle pushing and prodding is that much of my unhappiness was within me, I lacked Acceptance of my circumstances.  I lacked the ability to look inward and upward and accept that I was in a situation or a place that God felt I needed to be in.  

I existed in a marriage to a man that is a hard core alcoholic and was at times abusive.  In addition to those he was adulterous, having many, many, many affairs.  He was horrible with money and lacked compassion and caring for his family.  Those are circumstances that would make any person miserable, but how I handled them and where I turned were the key that unlocked the door from chaos to peace.

I focused 95% of my prayers during those years on changing my husband.   I focused my energy on trying to "help" him, "understand" him and "change' him.  I could have saved much misery for myself and my children had I instead focused on Accepting. 

Once I finally accepted that my husband was an alcoholic, an abuser and an adulterer by his own choice, I was finally able to let go and move forward.  

I can't change the past, the way I handled it or how it ended, but I can accept it, ALL of it, learn from it and move forward much better for it.

While I am sure I have a lot of growth still needed when it comes to Acceptance, I have come so far.  I no longer "wish" for what everyone else has, a better home, job, spouse, kids, car, money, etc.  I am thankful instead for the roof over my head, for the job I finally have, for the spouse I no longer have, for the kids that truly are amazing.  I am at peace in my life for the first time in a long time and I am good here. 

Acceptance was a tough lesson for me to learn and took me down an incredibly painful, bumpy and often dark path, but there is so much beauty as I come to the clearing that it has been worth the pain and suffering to get here. 

It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man

PSALM 118:8

I have spent a lot of time the last couple of weeks contemplating the course and road I stumbled through the last two years.  Wow, it has only just been a little over 2 years since the upheaval of my life, such a short time in reality, but so long in experience.

A little over 2 years ago, my marriage was a mess, my life was a chaotic turmoil of misery and frustration.  I was not happy.  Everyday was filled with some type of contention, some massive mountain to overcome, some spirit crushing instance.  I was miserable, in spirit, in heart, to be around.  My husband was drinking constantly and his drinking was making him mean and hateful.  I wanted so badly out of this situation, but he wouldn't leave.  He loved the "control" he thought he possessed over the children and I.  He loved ruling over us, "I am a grown man, I can do what I want and the Lord says you have to deal with it and obey me."  He loved to twist the bible and use is against me to justify his sinful ways. He craved the misery, I craved peace.  He loved to remind me that the law would prevent me from removing him.

I can remember one particular night in April of that year, it was a school night, the kids were trying to sleep and he was going to get drunk, he had a "bad day" somebody "mad him mad" he headed down to the basement and cranked the radio as loud as it would go, screaming and hooting, hollering and singing, stumbling his way upstairs to wake the kids to "hang out".  The kids all had school in the morning and were crying and miserable.  As I tried to interfere and usher my kids back up stairs to the quietest part of the house, he began to throw the insults at me, let's be honest, it was abuse, verbal and damaging.  After I finally got the kids back to bed and settled I headed downstairs, my hope was to reason with him, as I reached the landing to the basement, I could hear him on the phone, bashing me to his ex.  I remember crumbling to the floor and crying literally, to God to save the children and I from this awful existence, from the hatred, contempt, disrespect and misery that had become every waking minute.  I prayed for my spouse to have an "awakening", to leave for anything to happen that would just stop the roller coaster that had become my life.

Just a few days later, God answered that prayer.  He didn't answer it the way I would have chosen and his answer created so much more confusion in my already confused mind that it took 2 years to realize that the circumstance he used was the right one.  It took time to clear the hate, the anger, the pain and the resentment that had built up in my mind as fact and reality to be removed and cleared, before I would see that what happened, though painful and confusing was God in control.  It would take that amount of time before I stopped wrestling for control and let God lead, as I prayed for him to do on so many occasions.

It took almost two years for me to accept that I was not a failure, that I had a right to happiness, though my spouse continued to live in misery.  It took me almost 2 years to accept that not all marriages are blessed by God and the dissolution of a marriage such as mine wasn't  failure, it was instead a saving grace.  I want to say that I wish I had realized this sooner, but I know that I needed to walk down the path that I did.   I need to come to the realizations the way I have, I needed to get where I am through the trials that led me here.  Though the process was painful at time, uncomfortable at others and humiliating throughout, I am thankful for what I have been through.  

While I was scrambling to save myself and my children, while we were drowning and others stood by watching, I learned so much about myself.  I knew after what my first husband had put me through I was a strong woman.  But through the abuse of my second marriage, I had forgotten how strong I was.  This particular journey not only reminded me how strong I was, it increased my strength.  I was also renewed.  I was renewed in myself, in my beliefs, my strength and in my relationship with God.  Though I felt like I was withering and dying, I was growing, I was changing, I was becoming who I was destined to be. 

I will forever be changed by the journey I was on, I will carry some scars and a piece of me will always be just a little broken. Not for a marriage that needed to end, bur for the larger family that was destroyed. For the children that suffered, for the  Brothers and Sisters that may never see or speak to each other again.  For the children that I loved and lost.   

The story isn't over, a new chapter is simply being written.  I don't know what tomorrow holds, where I will go next, but I know that God is in control, he always was, though I didn't see it.  For the first time in years, I am content, comfortable and at peace with where my life is right now.  I am confidant that God is in control and I am excited for the next chapter to be written. 

Today's Inspiration:

People need loving the most when they deserve it the least.

~John Harrison

1 John 4:7-8

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves is born of God and knows God.  Anyone who does not love, does not know God, because God is love.

It sounds so easy, just love each other, as Jesus loved us.  But, wow, loving others, it is so incredibly difficult, or maybe it's just hard for me.  I truly want to like everyone and strive hard to love and show love to everyone I meet, but I find it so incredibly hard at times, and when it gets hard, I feel failure.

1 John 13:34-35

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

As we go out and about in this world and meet various people, some people are so incredibly easy to love.  They just have such loving, kind and agreeable personalities that you want and can't help but to love them for all they are.  They are also the same people that you can't wait to be around again. And they make us feel good as Christians, cause we pour our love out onto them and into them and around them with no problem. 

Hebrews 13:1

Let brotherly love continue. 

When you come across the opposite people, the disagreeable, conceited, arrogant, cruel, mean and hateful people, it is definitely a whole different ball game.  It's so incredibly hard to love people, who come across as very unlovable.  But THIS is the challenge Jesus calls us to with the most passion.  

  Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

It's not that he doesn't want us to love ALL people, but he challenges us with the difficult ones for certain.  If we were blessed to only love the easy and agreeable, there would be no challenge for us.  But Jesus calls us to be like him, he had a passion for all people, but He had an extreme passion for the broken, disagreeable sinners and so must we.  


So how in the world do we love those kinds of people? We try to empathize with them, try not to assume or judge them and pray, for the ability to love and to lift them up. 

Galatians 5:22

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness

Chances are that many of the hard to loves of this world, didn't ever know love.  They probably don't know Jesus and have never been shown anything different from what they are.  People truly are products of their environment.  If they grow up in homes without love, how will they learn not just to love or what love is, if someone doesn't make an effort to show them and love them?  
This is what Jesus asks us to do, to step in and show them love, to teach them to love and how to accept love.  

1 John 1:7

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.

From experience, I know this is so incredibly challenging.  I married a man that never knew love.  His love was given on a limited basis, his parents rarely ever told them they loved him, hugging wasn't the type of physical contact he received and praise was never given (in their defense, they raised him as they were raised).  To love him is hard, for him to accept love, is even harder.  It's a vicious triangle, but over the years, he has broken down some and while loving him today is still hard, it's getting easier, especially when I keep in the fore front of my mind, the conditions to which he grew up and the fact that love was not given openly and freely as it was to me.  I persist and I continue to love him, even when he is trying his best to make me hate him, for I am not just his wife, but I am a Christian and Jesus has called me to love.  And with my husband, he gave me my biggest challenge in loving.

1 Peter 4:8 

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

Loving people is a lot of work and takes a lot of effort for me.  It just doesn't come natural.  I constantly find myself having to reel back negative thoughts and emotions about the person who cut me off in traffic or the couple at church who despise my child for reasons I do not know, or the crabby customer service agent who is rude and uninformative.  I want so badly to give them a dish of their own, but I don't.  Instead I pray for them and force the love towards them, and it's a forced effort often.   I can't control how people act or who loves me or my children, but I can control how I react and how I love and how I teach my children to love.  I can do my part to fulfill Jesus destiny of love for everyone I meet or come into contact with, regardless of how difficult or challenging, I mean if Jesus could lay down his life out of love for us, then I can love all those in my life that make it hard or difficult to love, the family, the acquaintances and the strangers.  

John 15:13

Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.

Today's Prayer

Dear Father, 

Thank you for giving us the ability to love and for making the ultimate sacrifice in the name of love.  Help me to always have love in my heart for any person that comes into my life.  Help me to love everyone as you love us.

In Jesus Name~

ANXIETY, WORRY and TRUST

Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Anxiousness is something I definitely struggle with on a daily basis.  I am a thinker and worrier and a doer. I am constantly putting my energy into those things, which ultimately I know I can't control.  God tells us in Philippians 4:6 not to be anxious by anything but rather to turn it all over to him in prayer, petition and with thanks.  It is so simple to conceive, yet so hard to do.

The things I struggle with in regards to worry are of course, those closest to my heart, my family.  I have learned to let go of money worries, for God has never failed to provide those things I need,the things which only money can buy.  I have learned to turn over the little things in life, such as work frustrations,  car problems, and school, I know that God has my back there too.  

But when it comes to my family, my marriage especially, I seem to go blank and forget all the wonderful ways God has had my back and provided for me.  I know when I can finally let go of the worry, He will have my back here to, but yet I struggle.

Matthew 6:27 

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

My constant worrying and anxiety over my children and spouse, definitely robs me of time.  While I know that worrying about whether my teenager will pass her classes successfully at school or my spouse will remain true and faithful or decided he's ready to walk the walk of the Christian man he tries not to be, will not change the outcome of those events, I still lay awake at night worrying.  It's hard NOT to worry when your a parent or spouse and when you see the people whose lives are so closely intertwined with yours, struggle on deep and serious levels and with issues that could completely alter the path their lives are on.   It's especially hard, when you watch them make mistakes that you have already made.  

Matthew 6:34 

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

So what do you do, when you are struggling with worry and anxiety.  When the enemy's foothold is  robbing you of sleep and slowing you down.  You turn to GOD!  You trust GOD, you have no choice.  You lay all of your worry, all of the anxiety at his feet and TRUST him to handle the situations that are causing you so much damage.  It's hard and it's difficult to do, but it can be done.  Go down in prayer and ask the Lord to help YOU let go of your worries and anxiety and trust in HIM to handle the situations at hand.  I have to do this multiple times a day still, but each time I do, a little bit of the heaviness that was holding me down and holding me back is lifted and I gain the ability to Trust, just a little more the next time something threatens one of my family members.  

Psalm 91:2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

Because I desire to overcome Satan and eventually banish him from my life and the lives of my loved ones, my only TRUE choice when worry and anxiety (which are some of Satan's weapons he uses to bring us down) is to turn it all over to my GOD.  I have learned, that though it's hard for me to do, by turning everything over to God and releasing those worries and anxieties to him, I essentially am getting out of his way and allowing him to really work on those things that have caused me so much worry and anxiety.  If I hold on to even a smidgen of the anxiety or worry, I will be in God's way.  Trust our Father to handle whatever situations cause you worry and anxiety and remove from Satan that foothold with which he is trying to get in and destroy your life.


Today's Prayer:


Oh Father,how thankful I am to have You, who loves me so much, you are more than willing to carry the burdens and worries in my life.  I release to you all the anxiety and worry that consumes me.  You know the the circumstances that I worry about and how I struggle with releasing them to You.  I am leaning on you to help me release those situations that I feel compelled to worry over and I trust that you have the situations in Your perfect control; therefore releasing from me the need to control, worry and stress.


In Jesus Name

GARY RHEA-TRUST IN THE LORD

Seasonal Marriage

God did not give me an easy man to love, understand, support or commune in marriage with.  God did not give me an easy marriage, what God has given me is the courage to continue, the strength to press forward and the desire to please not only Him, but myself and spouse also.

I have been married to my spouse for 10 years.  The first 2.5 were hard, the next 5 joyous and the last 2.5 trying and incredibly painful.  What I have learned through this journey of peaks and valley's is that I am much stronger than I had ever believed and far more determined to see my marriage succeed and reach the flat plains of consistency than Satan is to destroy it and that as unbelievable as it seems, God does have a perfect plan for me and my spouse.

My marriage has faced many difficult problems:  devastating and life altering injuries, financial ruin, legal problems, debilitating mental illness, divorce and adultery to name a few.  But yet I feel pressed by God to press on.  I am not going to lie and pretend there weren't times, numerous times, when I was ready to throw in the towel and move on, but each time, God brought me back to a place of forgiveness, determination and desire to not let the enemy win.   I won't be defeated by Satan and I won't let him steal my marriage, my children's family or God's desire.

I spend a lot of time in prayer currently for my husband, he is struggling with something and is slowly and deeply becoming withdrawn.  It's a very difficult season for me in this marriage, his desire to withdraw and push me away is very painful and hard for me to deal with, but I press on in prayer.  It's very difficult for me to sit back, my spouses withdrawal creates in me severe anxiety.  Because he has cheated in the past, my first inclination is to assume that is the cause for this new behavior.  It's hard for me to let go of those old fears and refrain from questioning him or being suspicious about why he is suddenly withdrawn.  God is working something in me through this scary season in my marriage and working in my husband something, as well,  I am confidant.

I do know from our past experiences that trails make me grow spiritually.  I am not sure that what is happening in my marriage could be classified as a trail, at least not compared to what we have experienced in the past, but it is certainly a dark period and difficult one, at least for me.

So for now, as hard as it is, I will submit to my God, my Father, all the fears, worries, anxiety, loneliness, desperation and hope that is within me Him, my husband, my mate, my love, and all of his fears, anxieties, stresses, strongholds and Satan's manipulations.  God is the only one who can renew the marriage and lead us by the hand out of this deep valley of darkness and back into the plains of sunshine and joy.

Today's Prayer:

Thank you Father, that your love for us is so pure.  Today, I lift up my marriage, my spouse and myself to your abundant care.  While I do not know what my husband is internally struggling with, you do.  While I don't know how to help him or talk to him, you do know how to guide me and use me to help my husband.  While I do not know the plans you have for each of us or our marriage, you do and I am confidant that through your love, mercy and guidance, we will come through this valley successfully and triumphant with a stronger relationship with You and each other.  Thank you Lord for taking our hands and leading us forward.
In Jesus Name.....

Mark 10:6-9

"But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.'  'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,  and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one.  Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."