Goodbye 2013

 

 

"Ends are not bad things, they just meant that something else is about to begin."

C. Joybell C

As 2013 quickly and abruptly comes to a close I will, as I always do, sit back and reflect on 2013 as I anticipate the New Year coming.  As I sit back and look at the 365 days that made this year I can only smile, laugh and rejoice.

As 2012 closed I had made up my mind to shut the door on all the difficulties that had encompassed and claimed my life for too long.  Enough was enough and it was time to really live life to the fullest.  I can say with confidence and pride, I did just that through all of 2013.

As that new dawn of 2013 lit up the sky,  I entered a new dawn of my own.  I had for the most part secluded myself for the last few years from everyone except immediate family and those I had to deal with.  As I rose January 1st 2013 I opened the door to my life to others.  A difficult and anxiety provoking task, but one of the long term best decisions I made.  Those who I had kept at arms length were now allowed to enter the barricades I had built around myself. 

Early in the year a song came on the Radio that so accurately described where I had been and where I was going in my life!  I embraced that song and made it my theme song.  I had spent much of my life "catching my breath and letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show".  Throughout the last dozen years, I became conditioned to "riding waves, playing acrobat, shadow boxing the other half, learning how to react".  It wasn't the life I dreamed of or much of a life to live.  So in 2013 I decided it was time to STOP and nobody or nothing was " Going to hold me back, I ain't go time for that." My "heavy heart became a weightless cloud" I was determined that I would be "making time for the ones that count,  laughing hard with the windows down, leaving footprints all over town, keeping faith till it comes around".

While 2013 hasn't been free from challenges, it's hard to sit here late on December 31st and remember them specifically. That's huge!!!!

Throughout the course of the year I LIVED to the truest sense of the word for me.  I truly left footprints not just all over town, but all over the state. I met new people, I made goals and accomplished them, I experienced new adventures, I challenged myself, tested myself and learned to truly accept myself.  I made new friends and renewed the friendships of others.  I shut the door on those that were toxic and I focused on living the life I had always wanted.   I embraced change.  I forgave and forged ahead to enjoy many firsts and bask in past-times once forgotten. 

As 2013 closes I will look back in fondness at the memories made and the life lived and I will excitedly embrace the New Year with the same zest as I close this one out with.  I look forward to embracing new adventures again, meeting new people and continuing to learn to live in the moment and accept things as they come. I am sure there will be situations that test my strength, resolve and patience.  Times when acceptance is hard and letting go is harder.  I am sure there will be moments where insecurities slip in and my past fears surface.  But as long as I laugh more than I cry, rejoice more than I mourn and live more than I exist, it will be another year as spectacular as this one.

Little Things

This second day journey into 2013 has been one full of little things that made it a beautiful day. 

I am often amazed at how the little things can add up to become big things in the course of life.  For me those little things came in the form of my children and the constant blessings they offer, when I least expect it.

It started with a text from my oldest son (11) wishing me a good morning and telling me how much he missed me at his overnight.

Next came watching my youngest son (10) greet his friends for a spontaneous afternoon of sledding and snow football. 

Then came the amazing dinner with my oldest child (16), a rare one on one moment that left my heart almost bursting with love, joy and comfort.  I didn't think anything could top off the amazing time I had with just my oldest daughter, but my youngest daughter and her friend were able to top it off.

The final small part to make my beautiful day came in the imagination and innocent play of my youngest (7) and her friend (8) as they played for hours, using imagination and a few props.  I quietly listened as they worked together to build a house out of a Jenga game.  Once the house was built I listened as their compassionate hearts nurtured hurt pet shop pets back to life and guided their babies into making right decisions instead of wrong ones.  In this wired world, their innocent imagination was the icing on the cake to this beautiful day.

The best parts of life often come in small, unimagined moments.  I am so thankful that I got to remember that today, time and time again through the blessing of my children. 

Psalm 127:3-5

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Unwritten

New Years for me has always been a time of both reflection and renewal.  New Year is the ultimate reminder to me that hope, promise, change and enrichment exist and are ours for the taking, if we choose to take it.  This year the promise of a new beginning and the knowledge that I was finally ready to write the words in the blank pages of life, has been healing; as well as: exciting.

The last three years have been extraordinarliy tough.  They have pushed me and pulled me in every direction.  They have tested, tried, twisted and tortured me at every turn and they have brought me to my knees too often.

The final trial and twist of 2012 has been by far the hardest yet and it left me feeling beaten.  I, for a moment, gave up.  I spent a short time not caring, not wanting, not needing, not hoping.  I questioned and examined every aspect of my life from myself to my beliefs and still felt beaten and ready to give it all up and accept a life of solitude and misery.  But that has NEVER been the true me.
I just don't know to quit.

So as I reflected through 2012, I looked through the trials and into the positive that came from them, came to conclusions about changes I needed to make and truly got excited for the stroke of midnight and the ball to drop that would allow me to move forward.

So this year is mine.  It is about me.  This year is about New beginnings, new chapters and a new life.  It's about writing the life that God has always intended for me to have. It's about pursuing my dreams and kicking fear out the door.  It's about life.  My life and it starts here.

Romans 12:2     

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

 

Never Ending

 

 

It never seems to matter the time or place, my life is full of challenges, obstacles, hardships and extreme spiritual tests. Every time I think I have finally conquered the challenge, hardship or have come to spiritual terms with what I have been facing and I can relax and breathe, before that first deep breath is exhaled, I am faced with and even bigger challenge and hurdle. 

 

I know the bible tells us that hardships bring us closer to God.  

Who Am I?

 

Who am I?  Who are you?  Do you know who you are?  You most likely don't know who I am.   I fear lately, neither do I.

I have been struggling with my identity lately, alot.  I have suddenly found myself looking into the mirror and seeing a complete stranger, it scares me.  I have lost my sense of self, my identity, my being.

I know what the different aspects of me are, mother, daughter, friend, employee, but underneath those tools, I have lost who I am. 

What is worse, I am afraid that I have lost the ability to care, discover, fight or reclaim who I was or am made to be.


 

I'm Scared

I am terrified right now Lord.  I realize you have a purpose and that no door closes without a better door opening, but you of all know the burdens I carry, the needs that I have and the fears that keep me up at night.  Today fed into those fears and increased them 10 fold.  Please wrap me in your protection, in your embrace and comfort me with your knowledge that this is a good thing and something better will come to me tomorrow.  I know that at this very low point, I must look to you and only you for comfort, providence and guidance, so I place myself, my children, my needs and my future into your capable hands and trust that tomorrow will reveal what you have planned and that you will give me the confidence to move into it, the knowledge to recognize it and the courage to accept it.

Thank you Lord for always loving me and for sustaining our needs.

Acceptance

It seems like forever that I have been on this journey of struggling, constantly turning to God and begging and pleading with him for "something", "anything", "everything" that would make my life so much easier to handle, to live, to love.  

I spent many years miserable, hurting, believing that "if only" would change my world.  "If only" my husband didn't drink so much, "if only" I had a better job, "if only" I were thinner, "If only" I lived in a better home, "if only" ......... you could put just about any circumstance and it would apply to my life and thinking.

I often felt forgotten and rejected by God.  It seemed he NEVER heard a single prayer I sent and if he did answer, they were always, what seemed to me then, the small inconsequential prayers that didn't really change a thing in my life.  

In April of 2010, my life changed dramatically!  I went through an un-imanageable circumstance that came so out of left field, I could only see and imagine that the hell I was suddenly swept into was from Satan.  

It has taken the better part of two years to realize that the horrible circumstance that I woke up to on April 13, 2010 was a miraculous gift from God.  On that day, he began to answer so many of my desperation prayers.  On that day he also began to work in me.  He began to grow and teach me.  He began to develop strength in areas I was weak.  

Sometimes when we don't listen to God and follow His leading, he will use extreme measures to get His point across, which is exactly what he did with me.  What I have learned through God's not so gentle pushing and prodding is that much of my unhappiness was within me, I lacked Acceptance of my circumstances.  I lacked the ability to look inward and upward and accept that I was in a situation or a place that God felt I needed to be in.  

I existed in a marriage to a man that is a hard core alcoholic and was at times abusive.  In addition to those he was adulterous, having many, many, many affairs.  He was horrible with money and lacked compassion and caring for his family.  Those are circumstances that would make any person miserable, but how I handled them and where I turned were the key that unlocked the door from chaos to peace.

I focused 95% of my prayers during those years on changing my husband.   I focused my energy on trying to "help" him, "understand" him and "change' him.  I could have saved much misery for myself and my children had I instead focused on Accepting. 

Once I finally accepted that my husband was an alcoholic, an abuser and an adulterer by his own choice, I was finally able to let go and move forward.  

I can't change the past, the way I handled it or how it ended, but I can accept it, ALL of it, learn from it and move forward much better for it.

While I am sure I have a lot of growth still needed when it comes to Acceptance, I have come so far.  I no longer "wish" for what everyone else has, a better home, job, spouse, kids, car, money, etc.  I am thankful instead for the roof over my head, for the job I finally have, for the spouse I no longer have, for the kids that truly are amazing.  I am at peace in my life for the first time in a long time and I am good here. 

Acceptance was a tough lesson for me to learn and took me down an incredibly painful, bumpy and often dark path, but there is so much beauty as I come to the clearing that it has been worth the pain and suffering to get here. 

It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man

PSALM 118:8