It seems like forever that I have been on this journey of struggling, constantly turning to God and begging and pleading with him for "something", "anything", "everything" that would make my life so much easier to handle, to live, to love.
I spent many years miserable, hurting, believing that "if only" would change my world. "If only" my husband didn't drink so much, "if only" I had a better job, "if only" I were thinner, "If only" I lived in a better home, "if only" ......... you could put just about any circumstance and it would apply to my life and thinking.
I often felt forgotten and rejected by God. It seemed he NEVER heard a single prayer I sent and if he did answer, they were always, what seemed to me then, the small inconsequential prayers that didn't really change a thing in my life.
In April of 2010, my life changed dramatically! I went through an un-imanageable circumstance that came so out of left field, I could only see and imagine that the hell I was suddenly swept into was from Satan.
It has taken the better part of two years to realize that the horrible circumstance that I woke up to on April 13, 2010 was a miraculous gift from God. On that day, he began to answer so many of my desperation prayers. On that day he also began to work in me. He began to grow and teach me. He began to develop strength in areas I was weak.
Sometimes when we don't listen to God and follow His leading, he will use extreme measures to get His point across, which is exactly what he did with me. What I have learned through God's not so gentle pushing and prodding is that much of my unhappiness was within me, I lacked Acceptance of my circumstances. I lacked the ability to look inward and upward and accept that I was in a situation or a place that God felt I needed to be in.
I existed in a marriage to a man that is a hard core alcoholic and was at times abusive. In addition to those he was adulterous, having many, many, many affairs. He was horrible with money and lacked compassion and caring for his family. Those are circumstances that would make any person miserable, but how I handled them and where I turned were the key that unlocked the door from chaos to peace.
I focused 95% of my prayers during those years on changing my husband. I focused my energy on trying to "help" him, "understand" him and "change' him. I could have saved much misery for myself and my children had I instead focused on Accepting.
Once I finally accepted that my husband was an alcoholic, an abuser and an adulterer by his own choice, I was finally able to let go and move forward.
I can't change the past, the way I handled it or how it ended, but I can accept it, ALL of it, learn from it and move forward much better for it.
While I am sure I have a lot of growth still needed when it comes to Acceptance, I have come so far. I no longer "wish" for what everyone else has, a better home, job, spouse, kids, car, money, etc. I am thankful instead for the roof over my head, for the job I finally have, for the spouse I no longer have, for the kids that truly are amazing. I am at peace in my life for the first time in a long time and I am good here.
Acceptance was a tough lesson for me to learn and took me down an incredibly painful, bumpy and often dark path, but there is so much beauty as I come to the clearing that it has been worth the pain and suffering to get here.
It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man
PSALM 118:8
