Discovering the other blog has definitely brought up some discomfort. It hurts so much to sit where I am right now, to have so many things unanswered and undone. Yet I know that deep down this path I am on is where I am supposed to be and as much as I want to be on a different path, I can't be, not yet.

I am thankful that I am not alone on this path, though often times I feel I am. I know that God is here with me and helping me hold on to the strength needed to get us all through.

My children are an incredible blessing to me. While my heart breaks for each of their individual pain, I am thankful that they still hope. I am thankful that they are finding it easier daily to turn their thoughts and prayers to GOD as well.

I know that through all of this there is a bigger picture, a larger purpose, and for now I have to be content with that, with the unknown and the unimaginable.

We are safe in the arms of GOD at this moment for we have an umbrella of protection above us and a hedge of protection around as at all times.

Proverbs 24:14 

Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off.

Today's Prayer: 

Thank you Lord for giving me "fight" instead of "flight" and for showing me how to use my fight to serve you and others.

I am struggling so much lately with forgiveness. The actions of hurt and insult by others are consuming my every waking moment with anger and thoughts of revenge. I don't like this, I do not like how this feels in my soul. I loathe how dark it is making my life. This act of un-forgiveness I am stubbornly holding in my heart certainly makes me feel like a complete hypocrite as well. Matthew 5:39 New International Version (NIV) 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. I do not want to turn the other cheek to them, I want to slap them back, harder and with more power than they have slapped me with. And here is where I struggle so deeply. I do not want to be an angry woman, a woman who hold grudges and hurts others for any reason, but with a few certain people, I just can not seem to let go of the pain they have caused, the hurt the enjoy inflicting. I want them to hurt too, more than I do. A very dark part of me wants to celebrate their eventual fall and pain, to dance for joy when they lose all they have tried to destroy in me. And that makes me feel so much worse than what they have done to me. Father...... I clearly have a lot of work to do where it comes to forgiveness! I cry to you to lift me up and remove from me this dark side that holds me back from forgiving and being forgiven. For you have said ..... Matthew 6:14-15 ESV / For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. I want to be forgiven and to forgive. Forgive me too for all that I have unforgiven!

I am struggling so much lately with forgiveness.  The actions of hurt and insult by others are consuming my every waking moment with anger and thoughts of revenge.  I don't like this, I do not like how this feels in my soul.  I loathe how dark it is making my life.

This act of un-forgiveness I am stubbornly holding in my heart certainly makes me feel like a complete hypocrite as well.

Matthew 5:39

³⁹ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.

I do not want to turn the other cheek to them, I want to slap them back, harder and with more power than they have slapped me with.  And here is where I struggle so deeply.  I do not want to be an angry woman, a woman who hold grudges and hurts others for any reason, but with a few certain people, I just can not seem to let go of the pain they have caused, the hurt the enjoy inflicting.  I want them to hurt too, more than I do.  A very dark part of me wants to celebrate their eventual fall and pain, to dance for joy when they lose all they have tried to destroy in me.  And that makes me feel so much worse than what they have done to me.

Today's Prayer: 

Dear Father,  I clearly have a lot of work to do where it comes to forgiveness!  I cry to you to lift me up and remove from me this dark side that holds me back from forgiving and being forgiven.  For you have said   Matthew 6:14-15  

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses (Matthew 6:15)

 I want to be forgiven and to forgive.  Forgive me too for all that I have unforgiven!

Protection

Psalm 127:3

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.

It is so difficult to move forward everyday with a smile on my face and my head held high when I feel evil lurking at every corner.  This year has been so difficult and it seems to only get more difficult.  I am so very tired of being in defense mode.

I am tired of watching my children suffer from so much emotional pain and lack of consideration on the part of others.  I will never understand the need for grown adults to hurl painful comments and put down children in any form, but I am especially tired of these hurtful actions and comments being directed at my children.  I know I can not change who others are or how they act, I can only change my actions and reactions and how I deal with the problem people and I can pray for them.

Today's Prayer:
Dear Father,  I ask that you continue to protect my children from the evil and painful desires of others.  Protect not just their physical beings from the pain others try to inflict, but also their emotional and spiritual well being, as that is where the attacks are taking place.  Guide me and instruct me on how to handle the situation and especially on how to heal these children from what has already been said and done.


In Jesus Name~