It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.

~Sally Field

I have been trapped again, by that brick-wall of fear,  with insecurity as my only companion.  Insecurity does not make a very good companion.  She is constantly writing on this brick wall, words and sayings that increase the fear, shame, anxiety, worthlessness that I am trying so hard to overcome.  Insecurity is blaming me again for all the hardships, the pain, the failures that have defined my life.  She is reminding me again that I need to give up, that my future is pointless, that nothing will ever change, that loneliness and fear will be my only other companions on this journey through life.  I don't much like either of them either.

I am struggling to understand how insecurity wiggled her way back into my life.  I thought I had lost her for good.  I believed she got the message awhile back that I her presence in my life was no longer wanted or needed.  Apparently, she did not.  And this time she has come back with vengeance.  She is playing the record of all my failures, the spoken cruelties, all the stuff that would be best forgotten, and she has them on loop.  But I have my God on loop too and I will not ever be defeated.

The same conversations keep playing out between us:

She tells me, "Your nothing, you can't do anything right, why do you bother?"

I say, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Phil 4:13"

She says, " Try whatever you want, you will fail, you always fail, your a failure, you know this"

I respond, " I am blessed with every spiritual blessing.( Eph. 1:3)

She says, " Ha, blessed, your a sinner, a sinner of the worst kind.  Nobody will ever accept you for the sins you have committed and the sins you will commit again."

And I tell her, " I may have sinned but I am redeemed and forgiven through the blood of Jesus. (Eph 1:6-8).

She responds, " Forgiven, look at you, your a mess, broken and ugly.  Nobody will ever love a woman with brokenness as ugly as yours."  

I hold my head up, " I am complete in Christ (Col. 2:10)


These conversations between insecurity and I go on and on, Insecurity trying to tear me down and me building myself up through the word of Christ.   The Word always wins, but the game and the show can get tiring.  I wish Insecurity would just stay away, out of my life and give up the desire to bring me down, but being human and imperfect as I am, I know she will be back, with her ugly accusations and torment and I also know that through the Word, I will send her packing again, just as I did today and hopefully as night falls, I will find that Loneliness and Fear have also gone with her, if not, I am armed with the Word to get me through those battles too.  I have a future, one in which I believe Insecurity will visit less and less often, a future free from all the negatives of the past.

It's Friday, so that means today, I will be joining a group of others over at The Gypsy Mama to write for the love of writing.  The challenge is to dedicate 5 whole mintues to uninterrupted, unscripted, unedited writing.  To let the words flow from my fingertips for 5 mintues.  Each week there is a new word:  Today's word is Opportunity.  

START:

It happened again, that familiar sound of a door slamming in the distance.  She felt her stomach plummet and her fears rise like the raging waves along the pier during a storm.  She knew instinctively what that door, so violently slammed meant. Opportunity was gone, this time she knew for good.

For years she waited, hopeful and joyously anxious for that moment when Opportunity would sail into her arms, hers for the taking, forever changed and loved.  Through those same long years, filled with anxious hope at having Opportunity there forever, she learned, that Opportunity came fleetingly and was not easy to hold on to.

She began to question how much longer she could reach for opportunity only to have the door slammed again.  How much strength was left to hope?  She feared time had run out.

As the tears filled her eyes and her heart squeezed painfully in her chest, she knew this was it.  No more hope, it fled like a bird going south.  She let out a huge sigh of resignation and pulled the covers over her head.  Opportunity was not hers for the taking, it belonged to someone else.

As the tears began to flow and her mind released the hope, she faintly heard the door open, ever so softly, like a spring breeze caressing her cheek.  She was wrong, suddenly she felt alive, hope sprung back eternally, it appeared she had been wrong, opportunity hadn't fled after all.   

STOP:

"On Fridays over here a group of people who love to throw caution to the wind and just write gather to share what five minutes buys them. Just five minutes. Unscripted. Unedited. Real." The Gypsy Mama: click here to participate

Today's Inspiration: Perspective

Often it isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out,it's the little pebble in your shoe.

~Muhammad Ali

START:

Yesterday it seems, I was pushing forward, anxious to spread my wings and fly out of the nest, now I am preparing to handle my own child as she spreads her wings and takes her own flight, forging her own path and destiny.  Each of us with a different perspective of what that means, with different goals, fears and desires.

I would love to have known then, what I know now, Time is a temptress, teaser and thief to the young.  He will seduce you into thinking he is infinite and slow.  Time will lead you to believe "there is always tomorrow", the reality is Time is swift, moving at improbable speeds and tomorrow is gone before you realize it. But it is through time, that we grow, that we learn that who we once were changes and becomes greater than yesterday.  His lessons give us new perspectives.

I have learned that my ideals at 21 changed.  Marriage, parenting, adulthood, don't share the same perception in my late 30's as they did in my early 20's, but I have learned to love life, not for what I missed out on, messed up or didn't accomplish, but for each moment that I am given to do better today.  For the guarantee that everything can change and I can be okay.

As much as it hurts, my young one will spread those wings and soar into a future that is as uncertain as mine was, she will land gracefully at times and harshly at others, she will learn someday that tomorrow is a gift and not a guarantee, she will someday look back and be forced to appreciate not what she didn't do, but where she is at that moment.  Hopefully she will have a perspective for life that is purposeful not fleeting.

STOP:

The worst loneliness, is to not be comfortable with yourself.

~Mark Twain

I find myself feeling disconnected from life lately.  I dread going home.  I pull into the drive and I am reminded of what I am not anymore.  The yard needs mowed, but the mower won't start.  He could fix that, but he is not here anymore.  I open the gate and notice how it leans so bad, he could fix that too, but he's not here anymore.  As I open the door, it sticks and again, he could fix that, but he isn't here anymore.

Every step is a constant reminder of what isn't here anymore.  The house feels empty and as lost as I do.  It feels cold and remote, and the kids notice it too.

When he left, the home went with him, all that remains is the body of a house that once had a heart and the inhabitants lost inside the emptiness.

Everyday I think today will be the day that I can find the strength and courage to make this house a home again, but everyday, as I pull in the drive, I am reminded that the heart within the home is gone and it seems overwhelming and pointless.

It's been over two years and yet I still can't seem to find my footing, I can't seem to find the warmth, the hope, the desire to be a home without him.  They say time heals all wounds but it doesn't fix the gate or the door, it doesn't mow my lawn or stop me from wondering and wishing that my life were whole again.  I feel just as broken inside as the deck is outside, with no idea how or when it will ever be repaired. 

I try so hard to focus on what I do have, like the kids, but I see in them, what I am feeling and struggling with, they are affected too.  

I know one day, it will get better, they say one day it will, I hope one day it will, but until then I will get through each day the best I can and do my best to bring sunshine into our lives and make memories that will matter in the meantime.  I will surrender the pain and embrace the hope for peace and acceptance of where my life is.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

~Jeremiah 29:11

"On Fridays over here a group of people who love to go all out buck wild for the fun of the written word gather to share what five minutes buys them. Just five minutes. Unscripted. Unedited. Real."  The Gypsy Mama

Today's Inspiration:  REAL

Always be a first rate version of yourself, instead of a second rate version of somebody else.

~Judy Garland

START:

For REAL?  REAL STEAL? ARE YOU FOR REAL?  I'm Real!

The first thing that comes to mind when I see the word real is a bunch of corny sayings, but when I think about it a minute more, I see the word authentic.

Authentic is a word used often today, some may say overused, but in this day and age, finding something, anything that is authentic and real is rare, especially people.

I hate seeing people pretend to be something or someone they aren't .  I promise you, there is nothing wrong with who you are.  Everyone has their own values, beliefs, morals and standards, and they have the right to have those different from you and I.  It is okay to put your kids to bed at 9, though your neighbor does at 8.  Your not a bad parent, you are your child(ren)s parent.    It's okay if you really want to eat dinner in front of the television as a family, it won't ruin your children or your family.  It's okay to check out your childrens facebook, have them as a friend and have their password, even though other's will tell you it's an invasion of privacy.  It is okay to worship God, Believe in God and Live in God's Word.  It is okay.

I guess my point is this, it is okay to be you.  The real you.  It is okay to be who you are right now. It is okay  for you NOT to be your neighbor and to not apologize for it.  It is okay to stand on the mountain top and tell the world "I AM A CHRISTIAN!  It is okay.  It is okay to be AUTHENTIC, it is okay to be REAL!

STOP:

Side note:  That was hard!  I knew the five minutes would go by so quickly and I had a lot I wanted to expand on, but I hope that had some clarity!

Bible Verse:

The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, because He trusts in You.  ~ Isaiah 26:3

Stepping Stones

The block of granite, which was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak, becomes a stepping-stone in the pathway of the strong.

~Thomas Carlyle

I am uncertain why life, this worldly one, has the incredible ability to shake my foundation so often.  Is that something that dwells within me?  Is it ordained that way?  Does my world shift and twist because I am strong enough to handle it, or because by some inner design, I want it that way?

I question often why so many strange and difficult obstacles cross the path I am on in life.  Wait, cross the path isn't right, block the path is more accurate.  

Psalm 37:23

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord

In the past, my friends (non-christian) would often tell me that I sub-consciously brought on these strange and difficult events that would block my path and move me to another, often just as bumpy one.  

In the current my friends (Christian) remind me that there is a divine plan from the Man and that at times, he needs me to take another path.

Can they both be right?  Can this partially be His will and my own doom?

I can certainly attest to the fact that my path is never blocked when times are a little tough, I am only thrown from the path when life is finally going really, really good.  And yes, during these really good times, I often think it's too good to be true, which leads me to my own blockage vs His blockage.

I wish I had the ultimate answer, because I don't.   I know that I am tired of getting on solid ground only to have said ground ripped from under me.  If I knew for certain, these times were designed by Him, I could embrace them and know that for sure, there would be good coming from them, but that little voice of doubt, saying on a level I do not ascertain, it's my fault, keeps me from embracing the challenge and change. It keeps me low and my faith dim.

I do not mind life's little stepping stones, we all need them to grow, prosper and thrive.  It's the big obstacles and road blocks that have me wishing I were stronger in my faith and that I had the answers.  

Psalm 31:3

Since you are my rock and my fortress; for the sake of your name, lead and guide me

I suppose in the end, the why or who of life's obstacles doesn't really matter. The obstacles are here, they exist, they must be overcome and moved through.  So I will move off this path, and slowly step onto the next, placing each foot tenaciously on each little stone in front of me, until I get my bearings again.

The only thing I can do, is move forward and keep moving.  I can't look down and I certainly can't look back, for if I do, I am sure to fall off that stepping stone and lose the footing I just gained and that isn't an option.

Isaiah 43:18

Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past

Thank you Father though I don't always know the reasons for the change of course in my life or why of it happening, I am confident that I am not on the path alone.  I trust you to hold my hand as I maneuver the new territory I am forced to explore and I know that you will catch me if and when I stumble off this stepping stone.  I do not know where I am going, but with you by my side I can make it through whatever rough terrain you throw my way!

~ In Jesus Name