The worst loneliness, is to not be comfortable with yourself.

~Mark Twain

I find myself feeling disconnected from life lately.  I dread going home.  I pull into the drive and I am reminded of what I am not anymore.  The yard needs mowed, but the mower won't start.  He could fix that, but he is not here anymore.  I open the gate and notice how it leans so bad, he could fix that too, but he's not here anymore.  As I open the door, it sticks and again, he could fix that, but he isn't here anymore.

Every step is a constant reminder of what isn't here anymore.  The house feels empty and as lost as I do.  It feels cold and remote, and the kids notice it too.

When he left, the home went with him, all that remains is the body of a house that once had a heart and the inhabitants lost inside the emptiness.

Everyday I think today will be the day that I can find the strength and courage to make this house a home again, but everyday, as I pull in the drive, I am reminded that the heart within the home is gone and it seems overwhelming and pointless.

It's been over two years and yet I still can't seem to find my footing, I can't seem to find the warmth, the hope, the desire to be a home without him.  They say time heals all wounds but it doesn't fix the gate or the door, it doesn't mow my lawn or stop me from wondering and wishing that my life were whole again.  I feel just as broken inside as the deck is outside, with no idea how or when it will ever be repaired. 

I try so hard to focus on what I do have, like the kids, but I see in them, what I am feeling and struggling with, they are affected too.  

I know one day, it will get better, they say one day it will, I hope one day it will, but until then I will get through each day the best I can and do my best to bring sunshine into our lives and make memories that will matter in the meantime.  I will surrender the pain and embrace the hope for peace and acceptance of where my life is.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

~Jeremiah 29:11