GROWING

START:

When I think about what it means to grow, so many things instantly come to mind.  I have watched all four of my beautiful children grow both physically and emotionally.  

I have watched the tree out front grow from a tiny twig into a beautiful tree.

But where have I grown?  I have grown in my faith, my walk and my devotion to living a Christian life, but it seems that the growth has been slow and almost unnoticeable at times.  I want to continue to grow, to push through those times of stagnancy, to leap and learn and move forward.  I want to reach the heavens with my passion and remove all the roadblocks in my way.  I want to be 100 feet tall in my christian walk and I want to most of all to help others grow in their walk.  

Thank You Lord for giving me a spirit of growth, a desire to grow and an unlimited amount of room to continue growing.  

STOP:

To Inspire........To Heal...........To Help

My journey into the light has been one that has been long and painful.  Often times the road I walk is rough, I stumble, I fall, sometimes I barely make it back up, but I do get up.  I often have to brush the dirt off me and nurse the wounds left by that trip.

During the seasons of trial I walk the paths weary, afraid, alone and in utter despair, crying out for help, comfort, acceptance and love.  I feel abandoned, shunned and completely misunderstood.  My body and soul are weary and broken, but I keep moving forward, for as often as I have felt alone and abandoned, not just by mankind, but by GOD, I know that I am not and never have been abandoned by GOD, sometimes He is a few steps ahead of me reaching a hand out to help me, sometimes He is a few steps behind me, gently pushing and urging to  take the next step and sometimes, when I feel most alone, He is carrying me, holding me in HIS gentle embrace.  It is during those times, that I am usually the most broken and battered spiritually and physically that until it is over and the path is once again, soft and comforting, that I realize He was carrying me in His gentle embrace.

We all have trials, we all have tribulations and we all have pain, at some point in our lives, we ALL hurt, feel lost, alone and broken. There are too many women out there, mothers, daughters, grandmothers, friends who feel lost and alone, who long to have a hand to hold on to, a person to understand, a person to inspire them to move forward, move beyond, to give them hope!  We all need someone to open the doors on our darkness and flood it with light and love.

Because, we all have a story, each one unique, each one painful and each one important not just to our own selves but to other women.  It is my hope that over the coming days, months, years, that I can share my story, my pain, my heartache and my fears to help other women face theirs and move forward.  That I can inspire them to throw open the doors and let the Light shine on their darkness, to overcome their pain and to inspire them to help heal other women with their stories and their courage.

I have to be honest, this is not something I really wanted to do, I AM TERRIFIED.  To put into words for others to read the painful and often shameful moments of my life does not leave me with warm fuzzy feelings, but it does give me hope that it will make a difference, that someone, somewhere, will suddenly realize that they are not alone, that someone can understand their pain and their sorrow and that those words and my story will give them hope to move forward.

I spent many years wondering what I had done, why I was being punished time and again, and what I realized was that my pain was not a punishment of what I had done, but rather a journey to prepare me to come to this point, to this realization and acceptance of my purpose.  A purpose designed to help others come through their trials victorious.  I have known since I was a small child that I would someday help other women in some capacity, I never knew where or how I would do that.  It wasn't until a friend began to use her story and her pain to heal other women, that I realized that was where my purpose was.  That was the point of the painful experiences and the agonizing trails in  my life.  Her story is different than mine, but no less important.  She will reach and relate to women I won't be able to reach and relate to, and I will be able to comfort women she wouldn't be able to comfort and their are more and will be more to come.

Dear Father,

I am terrified and feel completely unworthy of the task you have set before me.  I know what You have placed in my heart and I know the journey you are calling me to follow, but I am scared.  I trust You to open the doors of opportunity to help a woman who is hurting, who is alone, scared, broken and battered.  I trust You to help me use the gifts and experiences You have blessed me with to help her move into the Light and experience all the love You have. I know this journey will be hard and painful at times, but I trust You to push me when I need to be pushed, slow me down when I need to slow down and carry me when I need to be carried.  I trust You completely.

You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. 
Psalm 18:28

Fear

²fear

 noun

1

a : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger

b (1) : an instance of this emotion (2) : a state marked by this emotion

I have undoubtedly spent much of my adult life consumed by FEAR!  It has paralyzed me and held me in a rut for the majority of my adult life, fear of life, fear of success, fear of failure. 

My fear has often pushed me backwards, walked me into disastrous situations and kept me from living my “dream”.

Let’s be honest, there is much we could fear in this world now.  Morals and Values are quickly on the decline, kindness and politeness are a thing of the past.  Teenagers are out of control, parents are without control and the government is trying to exert control, the list is endless, but the fear that has paralyzed me: myself.  For I didn’t trust in the Lord to guide me and prosper me.

I have always believed in a greater GOD, but until I walked down some very treacherous roads abandoned and alone, I never understood what a relationship with GOD meant, I never realized these fears were from shutting my heart to my Father.  For it is only with GOD’s blessings and guidance, I could accomplish anything.  Living so many years in darkness to the beauty that truly loving and worshipping Him, kept me afraid, afraid of never being “enough” at anything. 

Over the last year and a half, I have transformed greatly from that woman who walked alone, feeling abandoned in the black of night, into a woman whose pace has quickened, whom is always accompanied by her Father into a world filled with such beautiful light.  I still have moments of fear, I probably always will have, but I know that with God and his Angels, I am unlimited in what I can do and accomplish and that the plan for me is GREAT! Fear will always be a battle for me, but;  I know that with God’s help, guidance and blessing, I can and will make all of my dreams come true and I will change the lives of others!

My Precious Father

Thank you for the unfailing love that you have given me every moment of every day of my life, love that I didn’t recognize or accept, yet it was given until the day that I could grasp and understand how powerful that love is and will continue to be.  I thank You for the blessings you have bestowed upon me and will continue to give.  I ask for your continued guidance on this journey into the light of Your love.

In Jesus Name ~Me

Psalms 27:1

Yahweh s my light and my salvation.  Whom shall I fear?  Yahweh is the strength of my life.  Of whom shall I be afraid?

A Beacon of Light

Jeremiah 29:11

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

This passage from Jeremiah has always brought me so much comfort over the years of struggle, conflict, turmoil and trials.  It has always enabled a calming peace and settling of my soul when there is so much hardship and pain happening in my life.  All I would have to do to bring my focus out of the darkness and back into His light, would be to close my eyes and see the words run across my mind.  I would instantly be calmer, more at peace, able to handle the situation in front of me.  

Lately though, that is not working.  I am struggling hard with the passage.  I have always relied on the fact that 'someday' the Lord would reveal those plans he has for me, he would prosper me and no longer allow harm to come to me, he would give me hope and a future.  

It has been many years that I have been living in a dark and dank place, little laughter, and much heartache.  I am beginning to believe that that is the place I am to remain for my time on earth.  

Possibly those words in that passage have not been received by me as he intended them to be.  There is no place in the passage that says the plans he has for me will be great or plans that will come to fruition while I am  here on earth.  His promise to prosper me, doesn't come with a guarantee of prosperity while I am here on earth, his plans for hope and a future also don't clarify when or where they will be.  

And here is the inner struggle.  At this time in my life, I feel strongly that I am not where I should be, not doing what I should be doing, not fulfilling the purpose God has created for me.  I look, I pray, I question and I lose sleep over where I am missing the mark.  I know God has not forsaken me, yet I am still stuck in this rut, not living as I feel in my soul I should be.  I have a deep unrest within me that I am not doing what I am intended to do and a huge frustration that I have lost the key that will unlock that answer.

Since I was a small child, I knew God had a great plan for me.  I knew one day I would change the lives of other women.  I didn't know how (still don't), but I knew I would ( and yes, I know I can).  I have been lead down a very difficult path, one that I believe was intended to build me up to nurture other women and females, to  help them move out of their darkness and into the brilliantly shining light that the Lord has for each of us.  What frustrates me, is I don't know how I am to do that.  I feel I am ready to change the lives of women everywhere and that is possibly why I sit so uneasy right now.  

Today's Prayer: 

Dear Father, I do Trust that You have a plan for me, one that is great and that will ease my restless soul, a plan that will help others and serve you heartily.  I am ready for that plan, I am ready to walk down that path beside you and make a difference in this world, I am ready to be your Lighthouse that beacons those living in the darkness.  Reveal to me what comes next.  I am ready!