It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.

~Sally Field

I have been trapped again, by that brick-wall of fear,  with insecurity as my only companion.  Insecurity does not make a very good companion.  She is constantly writing on this brick wall, words and sayings that increase the fear, shame, anxiety, worthlessness that I am trying so hard to overcome.  Insecurity is blaming me again for all the hardships, the pain, the failures that have defined my life.  She is reminding me again that I need to give up, that my future is pointless, that nothing will ever change, that loneliness and fear will be my only other companions on this journey through life.  I don't much like either of them either.

I am struggling to understand how insecurity wiggled her way back into my life.  I thought I had lost her for good.  I believed she got the message awhile back that I her presence in my life was no longer wanted or needed.  Apparently, she did not.  And this time she has come back with vengeance.  She is playing the record of all my failures, the spoken cruelties, all the stuff that would be best forgotten, and she has them on loop.  But I have my God on loop too and I will not ever be defeated.

The same conversations keep playing out between us:

She tells me, "Your nothing, you can't do anything right, why do you bother?"

I say, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Phil 4:13"

She says, " Try whatever you want, you will fail, you always fail, your a failure, you know this"

I respond, " I am blessed with every spiritual blessing.( Eph. 1:3)

She says, " Ha, blessed, your a sinner, a sinner of the worst kind.  Nobody will ever accept you for the sins you have committed and the sins you will commit again."

And I tell her, " I may have sinned but I am redeemed and forgiven through the blood of Jesus. (Eph 1:6-8).

She responds, " Forgiven, look at you, your a mess, broken and ugly.  Nobody will ever love a woman with brokenness as ugly as yours."  

I hold my head up, " I am complete in Christ (Col. 2:10)


These conversations between insecurity and I go on and on, Insecurity trying to tear me down and me building myself up through the word of Christ.   The Word always wins, but the game and the show can get tiring.  I wish Insecurity would just stay away, out of my life and give up the desire to bring me down, but being human and imperfect as I am, I know she will be back, with her ugly accusations and torment and I also know that through the Word, I will send her packing again, just as I did today and hopefully as night falls, I will find that Loneliness and Fear have also gone with her, if not, I am armed with the Word to get me through those battles too.  I have a future, one in which I believe Insecurity will visit less and less often, a future free from all the negatives of the past.