I am struggling so much lately with forgiveness. The actions of hurt and insult by others are consuming my every waking moment with anger and thoughts of revenge. I don't like this, I do not like how this feels in my soul. I loathe how dark it is making my life. This act of un-forgiveness I am stubbornly holding in my heart certainly makes me feel like a complete hypocrite as well. Matthew 5:39 New International Version (NIV) 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. I do not want to turn the other cheek to them, I want to slap them back, harder and with more power than they have slapped me with. And here is where I struggle so deeply. I do not want to be an angry woman, a woman who hold grudges and hurts others for any reason, but with a few certain people, I just can not seem to let go of the pain they have caused, the hurt the enjoy inflicting. I want them to hurt too, more than I do. A very dark part of me wants to celebrate their eventual fall and pain, to dance for joy when they lose all they have tried to destroy in me. And that makes me feel so much worse than what they have done to me. Father...... I clearly have a lot of work to do where it comes to forgiveness! I cry to you to lift me up and remove from me this dark side that holds me back from forgiving and being forgiven. For you have said ..... Matthew 6:14-15 ESV / For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. I want to be forgiven and to forgive. Forgive me too for all that I have unforgiven!

I am struggling so much lately with forgiveness.  The actions of hurt and insult by others are consuming my every waking moment with anger and thoughts of revenge.  I don't like this, I do not like how this feels in my soul.  I loathe how dark it is making my life.

This act of un-forgiveness I am stubbornly holding in my heart certainly makes me feel like a complete hypocrite as well.

Matthew 5:39

³⁹ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.

I do not want to turn the other cheek to them, I want to slap them back, harder and with more power than they have slapped me with.  And here is where I struggle so deeply.  I do not want to be an angry woman, a woman who hold grudges and hurts others for any reason, but with a few certain people, I just can not seem to let go of the pain they have caused, the hurt the enjoy inflicting.  I want them to hurt too, more than I do.  A very dark part of me wants to celebrate their eventual fall and pain, to dance for joy when they lose all they have tried to destroy in me.  And that makes me feel so much worse than what they have done to me.

Today's Prayer: 

Dear Father,  I clearly have a lot of work to do where it comes to forgiveness!  I cry to you to lift me up and remove from me this dark side that holds me back from forgiving and being forgiven.  For you have said   Matthew 6:14-15  

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses (Matthew 6:15)

 I want to be forgiven and to forgive.  Forgive me too for all that I have unforgiven!