Never Ending

 

 

It never seems to matter the time or place, my life is full of challenges, obstacles, hardships and extreme spiritual tests. Every time I think I have finally conquered the challenge, hardship or have come to spiritual terms with what I have been facing and I can relax and breathe, before that first deep breath is exhaled, I am faced with and even bigger challenge and hurdle. 

 

I know the bible tells us that hardships bring us closer to God.  

Who Am I?

 

Who am I?  Who are you?  Do you know who you are?  You most likely don't know who I am.   I fear lately, neither do I.

I have been struggling with my identity lately, alot.  I have suddenly found myself looking into the mirror and seeing a complete stranger, it scares me.  I have lost my sense of self, my identity, my being.

I know what the different aspects of me are, mother, daughter, friend, employee, but underneath those tools, I have lost who I am. 

What is worse, I am afraid that I have lost the ability to care, discover, fight or reclaim who I was or am made to be.


 

I'm Scared

I am terrified right now Lord.  I realize you have a purpose and that no door closes without a better door opening, but you of all know the burdens I carry, the needs that I have and the fears that keep me up at night.  Today fed into those fears and increased them 10 fold.  Please wrap me in your protection, in your embrace and comfort me with your knowledge that this is a good thing and something better will come to me tomorrow.  I know that at this very low point, I must look to you and only you for comfort, providence and guidance, so I place myself, my children, my needs and my future into your capable hands and trust that tomorrow will reveal what you have planned and that you will give me the confidence to move into it, the knowledge to recognize it and the courage to accept it.

Thank you Lord for always loving me and for sustaining our needs.

Acceptance

It seems like forever that I have been on this journey of struggling, constantly turning to God and begging and pleading with him for "something", "anything", "everything" that would make my life so much easier to handle, to live, to love.  

I spent many years miserable, hurting, believing that "if only" would change my world.  "If only" my husband didn't drink so much, "if only" I had a better job, "if only" I were thinner, "If only" I lived in a better home, "if only" ......... you could put just about any circumstance and it would apply to my life and thinking.

I often felt forgotten and rejected by God.  It seemed he NEVER heard a single prayer I sent and if he did answer, they were always, what seemed to me then, the small inconsequential prayers that didn't really change a thing in my life.  

In April of 2010, my life changed dramatically!  I went through an un-imanageable circumstance that came so out of left field, I could only see and imagine that the hell I was suddenly swept into was from Satan.  

It has taken the better part of two years to realize that the horrible circumstance that I woke up to on April 13, 2010 was a miraculous gift from God.  On that day, he began to answer so many of my desperation prayers.  On that day he also began to work in me.  He began to grow and teach me.  He began to develop strength in areas I was weak.  

Sometimes when we don't listen to God and follow His leading, he will use extreme measures to get His point across, which is exactly what he did with me.  What I have learned through God's not so gentle pushing and prodding is that much of my unhappiness was within me, I lacked Acceptance of my circumstances.  I lacked the ability to look inward and upward and accept that I was in a situation or a place that God felt I needed to be in.  

I existed in a marriage to a man that is a hard core alcoholic and was at times abusive.  In addition to those he was adulterous, having many, many, many affairs.  He was horrible with money and lacked compassion and caring for his family.  Those are circumstances that would make any person miserable, but how I handled them and where I turned were the key that unlocked the door from chaos to peace.

I focused 95% of my prayers during those years on changing my husband.   I focused my energy on trying to "help" him, "understand" him and "change' him.  I could have saved much misery for myself and my children had I instead focused on Accepting. 

Once I finally accepted that my husband was an alcoholic, an abuser and an adulterer by his own choice, I was finally able to let go and move forward.  

I can't change the past, the way I handled it or how it ended, but I can accept it, ALL of it, learn from it and move forward much better for it.

While I am sure I have a lot of growth still needed when it comes to Acceptance, I have come so far.  I no longer "wish" for what everyone else has, a better home, job, spouse, kids, car, money, etc.  I am thankful instead for the roof over my head, for the job I finally have, for the spouse I no longer have, for the kids that truly are amazing.  I am at peace in my life for the first time in a long time and I am good here. 

Acceptance was a tough lesson for me to learn and took me down an incredibly painful, bumpy and often dark path, but there is so much beauty as I come to the clearing that it has been worth the pain and suffering to get here. 

It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man

PSALM 118:8

Five Minute Friday-Path

So Friday has arrived again, with another chance to participate in the Five Minute Friday's brought to the blogging world by The Gypsy Mama, click on the link for more information or to participate.

PATH

START:

She finds herself, again, standing at a fork in the road.  Two clear paths lay before her.  Instinctively she steps to the right.  The path on the right is beautiful.  It is so bright, full of life, she can smell the sweet scent of many flowers, hear the songs of the birds. In contrast, the path to the left is dark, it smells of rotting wood and decay.  She can see many obstacles to maneuver just at the beginning of the path alone!  It is cluttered with fallen leaves, broken tree limbs, and large boulders.  She isn't even sure she wore the right shoes to take that path.  It is a clear and easy choice for her, the path to the right is obviously where she needs to go, into the beauty, the certainty, the clarity of the known.

As she begins to step onto the path on the right, she hears a voice beside her.  

"I don't think that path is the right path for you at this time."  

Looking around she sees nobody.  She shrugs and takes another step forward, this time though more hesitant.

The voice speaks again, "I ask you to trust me, that path is not what it appears to be."  This time she doesn't need to look around, she instinctively knows whose voice that is.

"But God she whispers, the other path, it's dark, it's dangerous, it's definitely hard.  I am so tired, I just want to get home and rest. My energy is depleted and I have a lot on my plate.  I really don't have time, that path will certainly take much longer.  Look at my feet, I am in sandals, I can't possibly get over those rocks in these."

'My precious, you are at a point where you need to Trust, not in what you see, but in Me.  I realize what it looks like,  I understand your fear.  But if you Trust in me,  I will guide every step you take through the unknown, I will not let you stumble, I will not let you fall."  

"Oh Father.  I just don't know if I can do it!"  she exclaimed

"Ultimately the path you choose is up to you, I have given you free will, but if you will Trust me, I promise you, that in the end, the path to the left will be worth the effort, despite what you see.  I can't promise that for you if you chose the path to the right. "  The Lord stepped into the darkened path on the left and reached out his hand.

With a deep breath, she pushed down all her anxiety, shoved away all her fear and took His hand into her own and stepped into the dark and bumpy path to the left.  

STOP:

I have spent a lot of time the last couple of weeks contemplating the course and road I stumbled through the last two years.  Wow, it has only just been a little over 2 years since the upheaval of my life, such a short time in reality, but so long in experience.

A little over 2 years ago, my marriage was a mess, my life was a chaotic turmoil of misery and frustration.  I was not happy.  Everyday was filled with some type of contention, some massive mountain to overcome, some spirit crushing instance.  I was miserable, in spirit, in heart, to be around.  My husband was drinking constantly and his drinking was making him mean and hateful.  I wanted so badly out of this situation, but he wouldn't leave.  He loved the "control" he thought he possessed over the children and I.  He loved ruling over us, "I am a grown man, I can do what I want and the Lord says you have to deal with it and obey me."  He loved to twist the bible and use is against me to justify his sinful ways. He craved the misery, I craved peace.  He loved to remind me that the law would prevent me from removing him.

I can remember one particular night in April of that year, it was a school night, the kids were trying to sleep and he was going to get drunk, he had a "bad day" somebody "mad him mad" he headed down to the basement and cranked the radio as loud as it would go, screaming and hooting, hollering and singing, stumbling his way upstairs to wake the kids to "hang out".  The kids all had school in the morning and were crying and miserable.  As I tried to interfere and usher my kids back up stairs to the quietest part of the house, he began to throw the insults at me, let's be honest, it was abuse, verbal and damaging.  After I finally got the kids back to bed and settled I headed downstairs, my hope was to reason with him, as I reached the landing to the basement, I could hear him on the phone, bashing me to his ex.  I remember crumbling to the floor and crying literally, to God to save the children and I from this awful existence, from the hatred, contempt, disrespect and misery that had become every waking minute.  I prayed for my spouse to have an "awakening", to leave for anything to happen that would just stop the roller coaster that had become my life.

Just a few days later, God answered that prayer.  He didn't answer it the way I would have chosen and his answer created so much more confusion in my already confused mind that it took 2 years to realize that the circumstance he used was the right one.  It took time to clear the hate, the anger, the pain and the resentment that had built up in my mind as fact and reality to be removed and cleared, before I would see that what happened, though painful and confusing was God in control.  It would take that amount of time before I stopped wrestling for control and let God lead, as I prayed for him to do on so many occasions.

It took almost two years for me to accept that I was not a failure, that I had a right to happiness, though my spouse continued to live in misery.  It took me almost 2 years to accept that not all marriages are blessed by God and the dissolution of a marriage such as mine wasn't  failure, it was instead a saving grace.  I want to say that I wish I had realized this sooner, but I know that I needed to walk down the path that I did.   I need to come to the realizations the way I have, I needed to get where I am through the trials that led me here.  Though the process was painful at time, uncomfortable at others and humiliating throughout, I am thankful for what I have been through.  

While I was scrambling to save myself and my children, while we were drowning and others stood by watching, I learned so much about myself.  I knew after what my first husband had put me through I was a strong woman.  But through the abuse of my second marriage, I had forgotten how strong I was.  This particular journey not only reminded me how strong I was, it increased my strength.  I was also renewed.  I was renewed in myself, in my beliefs, my strength and in my relationship with God.  Though I felt like I was withering and dying, I was growing, I was changing, I was becoming who I was destined to be. 

I will forever be changed by the journey I was on, I will carry some scars and a piece of me will always be just a little broken. Not for a marriage that needed to end, bur for the larger family that was destroyed. For the children that suffered, for the  Brothers and Sisters that may never see or speak to each other again.  For the children that I loved and lost.   

The story isn't over, a new chapter is simply being written.  I don't know what tomorrow holds, where I will go next, but I know that God is in control, he always was, though I didn't see it.  For the first time in years, I am content, comfortable and at peace with where my life is right now.  I am confidant that God is in control and I am excited for the next chapter to be written. 

RH-Forgiveness

Dear RH-

The time has come for me to forgive you.  I don't want to and I am not doing this for you, I must forgive you for me, for my future for my life.  I have thought often of the ten years to which you tormented my family and honestly, wished nothing but horrible things for you, but in the end I realized, your torment of me came from your own insecurities in your self.  

You did not manipulate my husband because you are secure within yourself.  You didn't use your daughter to control him because you hated me.  You didn't call him in the middle of the night and prey on his weaknesses because of what I did and you didn't spend ten years trying to get him in your bed because you love him or want him.   You did those things to try to convince yourself you were the better person.  But in the end, did getting him in your bed make you feel good about yourself?  What did you win really?  You may have gotten him for a night, but he always left you and came back home.

When I really break down and think logically about all the things you did, how can I not forgive you?  You are broken, shattered and jealous, you are insecure and feel inadequate.  You place your worth in the ability to manipulate men, not just the man who chose me and not you.

You have spent your adulthood seeking relationships that will never be truly yours.  You seek and involve yourself and your daughter only in the lives of married men, men who when they leave you, you can blame their wives and not yourself.

Your desire to prove something to yourself with my husband over the life of our marriage hurt me tremendously and it hurt my children and your daughter too.  I also believe it hurt you.  There was a time when I would think of how you invited me into your life, "for the sake of the children" all while seducing my husband behind my back and I wanted to hurt you for that.  But I have come to realize, I can't hurt you more than you hurt yourself on a daily basis.  

You spent years telling the world I was a monster to your daughter, but I wasn't, and you know it.  The fact that I loved her and she loved me only heightened your insecurity and feelings of worthlessness and failure.  I wish you had been happy that someone else loved, supported and protected your daughter also.  But you couldn't see that.  She is my children's sister and an amazing child, but your insecurities led you to believe that she could love me more.  

When she came to me in tears in the summer of 2009 and told me that she couldn't keep coming to our home because you would grill her for days and weeks about everything her father and I did and it in effect made her miserable,  it mad me so incredibly angry.  You were torturing her, making her choose between peace at home(your home) and her other family.  All I could do was hold her and weep with her.  All I could do was love her for her honesty and strength and pray that your insecurity would not do long term, permanent damage to her or the other kids. Your actions made me feel helpless, so I did all I  could do, I respected her need for peace and let her go.  I will always hold her in my heart and her confirmations of love and appreciation to me for never putting her in the middle.  I will hold her words of comfort to me in reassurance that never once had she been unhappy or miserable in my home, with me or with my family, despite what you try to convince everyone of.  I will always remember her thanking me for never being 'one of those step-moms', but welcoming her with open arms, supporting her, loving her and involving her in the lives of her 'other family'.

It's incredibly sad when your insecurities affect that life of your child to such a degree that she has to hide waves to her siblings so you don't see.  I fear that she will someday hate you for what you have done and I pray that she won't be damaged by the example that you have lead.  It's not too late though you know.  To heal what has been damaged, to heal what has been broken.  It is never to late for that.

I have come to realize that all your brokenness, hatred and insecurity propelled you to do what you did and I can't help but forgive you for that now.  I feel sorry for you, for the little girl within you that had dreams that I am sure didn't include multiple adulteress affairs or jealousy or ruin.  It breaks my heart to think that for all that I hated of you, you hated yourself that much more.  Nobody should live with the amount of insecurity and hate it appears you live with.

I hope someday, for your sake, that you will learn the art of forgiveness yourself.  That you will set yourself free from the emotional baggage that you carry daily, for the fear within yourself that motivates you to hurt others.  I hope that someday, despite all the mean things you have done, to so many, but mostly to yourself, you will realize that you too are worthy of love, good love, honest love, pure love.  Love from a man that is not married, from a man that can give to you freely.  I would start with forgiving yourself for B.  

I hope you are able to open your eyes and your heart to honesty and face the fact that you and my husband were not meant to be, that together you are both more toxic than you are apart.  I hope you realize what you two did, no longer has any affect on me or control of me.  I honestly pity you both.  

When you can begin the act of forgiving, you will be able to release the strongholds of jealousy, anxiety, illness, resentment, insecurity and alcoholism that control your life.  You will set yourself free and you will enjoy the life that God has planned for you.  

I will pray for you to be able to forgive those that have hurt you and yourself.  I will pray for you to  be able to heal from whatever event initially set you on the path you are on.  I will pray for you to find a relationship with good people who only want the best for you.  I will pray for your soul and that the enemy releases you and that you will eventually be set free from the toxicity that consumes you and the strongholds that bind you.

Good Luck to you RH, may you seek to find favor with the Lord.


I FORGIVE YOU!

Dear Father,

Tonight I lift to you RH.  You know the mountains she faces, the trials and tribulations of her life far better than I do.  I know she is a woman that hurts and has an incredible amount of pain, and that love has been far reaching from her life.  I know by her actions that she is angry, confused, insecure and  haunted.  I ask that you place your loving arms around her this day and set her free from the pain that encompasses her.  Where she needs to forgive, help her, where she needs to break free from strongholds, encourage her, where she needs to heal, heal her, where she needs guidance, guide her.  She is your child God, built in an image of you, help her know the plans you have for her are good.  If there is no Godly woman in  her life, place one there, someone whom she can rely on, learn from and grow with.  Someone that can help her find you.  I trust in Your protection and arms, she can be set free from what has held her back and fulfill the calling you have for her.

~In Jesus Name

Amen

Lately my heart has been incredibly heavy.  I have bent God's ear a lot over the last few weeks as to where this heavy heart has come from and how I can move beyond it.  Over and over I have been directed towards the word Forgiveness and verses on forgiveness.  There is an obvious theme here, you think?  

So as I sat earlier today, with my increasingly heavy heart, I closed my eyes and listened to the Spirit within.  Was I holding out on forgiving people that have hurt or wronged me?  I remember saying I forgave them, but in my heart of hearts, I knew that I was still harboring hurt, still holding a grudge for torment or pain inflicted at their hands, whether it was hateful remarks or something far more serious.  I realized I was.  I was harboring an incredible amount of pain, revenge, resentment, anger, hostility, insecurity, hatred and so much other stuff towards several people in my past that  have hurt me.  I have also come to realize that if I don't let go, don't free myself  from those negative emotions that bind me and have literally held me back, I will never be able to move forward. 

In the spirit of being honest, it's a huge list of people I have to forgive!  HUGE, overwhelming, but for my life, for my being, for my future and my soul, it's time.  I imagine this journey in forgiveness may open up some wounds that have scabbed over, but I believe once I finish, God will permanently heal the wounds and remove the scars.  I will be healed and whole.  I will be able to live the life God has intended for me, I am excited, I am scared.  I am ready.

Matthew 6:14-15 NIV

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

5 minute Friday: See

Vision is the art of seeing the invisible.

~Jonathon Swift

Topic:  SEE

START:

I have learned through this life that being honest with my self truly rooted in the art of seeing what I don't want to see within myself and the others in my life.

For many years, I was able to avoid seeing what made me unhappy or uncomfortable, to wear those rose colored glasses if you will, and avoid what I didn't like or want to face. 

But recently I have been pulled out of my comfort zone by other events in my life and forced to look at myself through clear eyes, to see my world and myself as they truly are.

I have come to face the insecurity, to see the fear for what it is.  I have come to see the faults and shortcomings in personalities of my family, and love them for it.

Though the process of removing the blinders and seeing everything in the cold harsh light of reality has not always been painless, it has certainly been healing.  

I have learned to see that those flaws within myself are not so horrible, they are human and through them I can grow.  I have learned to see that the world is maybe, just a little beautiful for it's imperfectedness (okay so that might not be a word, but I like it) and that I am to the core a person worthy of loving and being seen by others. 

STOP:

I you enjoy writing and like a challenge or want to join in on the fun of 5 Minute Friday's journey here.  

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.

~Sally Field

I have been trapped again, by that brick-wall of fear,  with insecurity as my only companion.  Insecurity does not make a very good companion.  She is constantly writing on this brick wall, words and sayings that increase the fear, shame, anxiety, worthlessness that I am trying so hard to overcome.  Insecurity is blaming me again for all the hardships, the pain, the failures that have defined my life.  She is reminding me again that I need to give up, that my future is pointless, that nothing will ever change, that loneliness and fear will be my only other companions on this journey through life.  I don't much like either of them either.

I am struggling to understand how insecurity wiggled her way back into my life.  I thought I had lost her for good.  I believed she got the message awhile back that I her presence in my life was no longer wanted or needed.  Apparently, she did not.  And this time she has come back with vengeance.  She is playing the record of all my failures, the spoken cruelties, all the stuff that would be best forgotten, and she has them on loop.  But I have my God on loop too and I will not ever be defeated.

The same conversations keep playing out between us:

She tells me, "Your nothing, you can't do anything right, why do you bother?"

I say, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Phil 4:13"

She says, " Try whatever you want, you will fail, you always fail, your a failure, you know this"

I respond, " I am blessed with every spiritual blessing.( Eph. 1:3)

She says, " Ha, blessed, your a sinner, a sinner of the worst kind.  Nobody will ever accept you for the sins you have committed and the sins you will commit again."

And I tell her, " I may have sinned but I am redeemed and forgiven through the blood of Jesus. (Eph 1:6-8).

She responds, " Forgiven, look at you, your a mess, broken and ugly.  Nobody will ever love a woman with brokenness as ugly as yours."  

I hold my head up, " I am complete in Christ (Col. 2:10)


These conversations between insecurity and I go on and on, Insecurity trying to tear me down and me building myself up through the word of Christ.   The Word always wins, but the game and the show can get tiring.  I wish Insecurity would just stay away, out of my life and give up the desire to bring me down, but being human and imperfect as I am, I know she will be back, with her ugly accusations and torment and I also know that through the Word, I will send her packing again, just as I did today and hopefully as night falls, I will find that Loneliness and Fear have also gone with her, if not, I am armed with the Word to get me through those battles too.  I have a future, one in which I believe Insecurity will visit less and less often, a future free from all the negatives of the past.

It's Friday, so that means today, I will be joining a group of others over at The Gypsy Mama to write for the love of writing.  The challenge is to dedicate 5 whole mintues to uninterrupted, unscripted, unedited writing.  To let the words flow from my fingertips for 5 mintues.  Each week there is a new word:  Today's word is Opportunity.  

START:

It happened again, that familiar sound of a door slamming in the distance.  She felt her stomach plummet and her fears rise like the raging waves along the pier during a storm.  She knew instinctively what that door, so violently slammed meant. Opportunity was gone, this time she knew for good.

For years she waited, hopeful and joyously anxious for that moment when Opportunity would sail into her arms, hers for the taking, forever changed and loved.  Through those same long years, filled with anxious hope at having Opportunity there forever, she learned, that Opportunity came fleetingly and was not easy to hold on to.

She began to question how much longer she could reach for opportunity only to have the door slammed again.  How much strength was left to hope?  She feared time had run out.

As the tears filled her eyes and her heart squeezed painfully in her chest, she knew this was it.  No more hope, it fled like a bird going south.  She let out a huge sigh of resignation and pulled the covers over her head.  Opportunity was not hers for the taking, it belonged to someone else.

As the tears began to flow and her mind released the hope, she faintly heard the door open, ever so softly, like a spring breeze caressing her cheek.  She was wrong, suddenly she felt alive, hope sprung back eternally, it appeared she had been wrong, opportunity hadn't fled after all.   

STOP:

"On Fridays over here a group of people who love to throw caution to the wind and just write gather to share what five minutes buys them. Just five minutes. Unscripted. Unedited. Real." The Gypsy Mama: click here to participate

Today's Inspiration: Perspective

Often it isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out,it's the little pebble in your shoe.

~Muhammad Ali

START:

Yesterday it seems, I was pushing forward, anxious to spread my wings and fly out of the nest, now I am preparing to handle my own child as she spreads her wings and takes her own flight, forging her own path and destiny.  Each of us with a different perspective of what that means, with different goals, fears and desires.

I would love to have known then, what I know now, Time is a temptress, teaser and thief to the young.  He will seduce you into thinking he is infinite and slow.  Time will lead you to believe "there is always tomorrow", the reality is Time is swift, moving at improbable speeds and tomorrow is gone before you realize it. But it is through time, that we grow, that we learn that who we once were changes and becomes greater than yesterday.  His lessons give us new perspectives.

I have learned that my ideals at 21 changed.  Marriage, parenting, adulthood, don't share the same perception in my late 30's as they did in my early 20's, but I have learned to love life, not for what I missed out on, messed up or didn't accomplish, but for each moment that I am given to do better today.  For the guarantee that everything can change and I can be okay.

As much as it hurts, my young one will spread those wings and soar into a future that is as uncertain as mine was, she will land gracefully at times and harshly at others, she will learn someday that tomorrow is a gift and not a guarantee, she will someday look back and be forced to appreciate not what she didn't do, but where she is at that moment.  Hopefully she will have a perspective for life that is purposeful not fleeting.

STOP:

The worst loneliness, is to not be comfortable with yourself.

~Mark Twain

I find myself feeling disconnected from life lately.  I dread going home.  I pull into the drive and I am reminded of what I am not anymore.  The yard needs mowed, but the mower won't start.  He could fix that, but he is not here anymore.  I open the gate and notice how it leans so bad, he could fix that too, but he's not here anymore.  As I open the door, it sticks and again, he could fix that, but he isn't here anymore.

Every step is a constant reminder of what isn't here anymore.  The house feels empty and as lost as I do.  It feels cold and remote, and the kids notice it too.

When he left, the home went with him, all that remains is the body of a house that once had a heart and the inhabitants lost inside the emptiness.

Everyday I think today will be the day that I can find the strength and courage to make this house a home again, but everyday, as I pull in the drive, I am reminded that the heart within the home is gone and it seems overwhelming and pointless.

It's been over two years and yet I still can't seem to find my footing, I can't seem to find the warmth, the hope, the desire to be a home without him.  They say time heals all wounds but it doesn't fix the gate or the door, it doesn't mow my lawn or stop me from wondering and wishing that my life were whole again.  I feel just as broken inside as the deck is outside, with no idea how or when it will ever be repaired. 

I try so hard to focus on what I do have, like the kids, but I see in them, what I am feeling and struggling with, they are affected too.  

I know one day, it will get better, they say one day it will, I hope one day it will, but until then I will get through each day the best I can and do my best to bring sunshine into our lives and make memories that will matter in the meantime.  I will surrender the pain and embrace the hope for peace and acceptance of where my life is.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

~Jeremiah 29:11

"On Fridays over here a group of people who love to go all out buck wild for the fun of the written word gather to share what five minutes buys them. Just five minutes. Unscripted. Unedited. Real."  The Gypsy Mama

Today's Inspiration:  REAL

Always be a first rate version of yourself, instead of a second rate version of somebody else.

~Judy Garland

START:

For REAL?  REAL STEAL? ARE YOU FOR REAL?  I'm Real!

The first thing that comes to mind when I see the word real is a bunch of corny sayings, but when I think about it a minute more, I see the word authentic.

Authentic is a word used often today, some may say overused, but in this day and age, finding something, anything that is authentic and real is rare, especially people.

I hate seeing people pretend to be something or someone they aren't .  I promise you, there is nothing wrong with who you are.  Everyone has their own values, beliefs, morals and standards, and they have the right to have those different from you and I.  It is okay to put your kids to bed at 9, though your neighbor does at 8.  Your not a bad parent, you are your child(ren)s parent.    It's okay if you really want to eat dinner in front of the television as a family, it won't ruin your children or your family.  It's okay to check out your childrens facebook, have them as a friend and have their password, even though other's will tell you it's an invasion of privacy.  It is okay to worship God, Believe in God and Live in God's Word.  It is okay.

I guess my point is this, it is okay to be you.  The real you.  It is okay to be who you are right now. It is okay  for you NOT to be your neighbor and to not apologize for it.  It is okay to stand on the mountain top and tell the world "I AM A CHRISTIAN!  It is okay.  It is okay to be AUTHENTIC, it is okay to be REAL!

STOP:

Side note:  That was hard!  I knew the five minutes would go by so quickly and I had a lot I wanted to expand on, but I hope that had some clarity!

Bible Verse:

The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, because He trusts in You.  ~ Isaiah 26:3

Stepping Stones

The block of granite, which was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak, becomes a stepping-stone in the pathway of the strong.

~Thomas Carlyle

I am uncertain why life, this worldly one, has the incredible ability to shake my foundation so often.  Is that something that dwells within me?  Is it ordained that way?  Does my world shift and twist because I am strong enough to handle it, or because by some inner design, I want it that way?

I question often why so many strange and difficult obstacles cross the path I am on in life.  Wait, cross the path isn't right, block the path is more accurate.  

Psalm 37:23

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord

In the past, my friends (non-christian) would often tell me that I sub-consciously brought on these strange and difficult events that would block my path and move me to another, often just as bumpy one.  

In the current my friends (Christian) remind me that there is a divine plan from the Man and that at times, he needs me to take another path.

Can they both be right?  Can this partially be His will and my own doom?

I can certainly attest to the fact that my path is never blocked when times are a little tough, I am only thrown from the path when life is finally going really, really good.  And yes, during these really good times, I often think it's too good to be true, which leads me to my own blockage vs His blockage.

I wish I had the ultimate answer, because I don't.   I know that I am tired of getting on solid ground only to have said ground ripped from under me.  If I knew for certain, these times were designed by Him, I could embrace them and know that for sure, there would be good coming from them, but that little voice of doubt, saying on a level I do not ascertain, it's my fault, keeps me from embracing the challenge and change. It keeps me low and my faith dim.

I do not mind life's little stepping stones, we all need them to grow, prosper and thrive.  It's the big obstacles and road blocks that have me wishing I were stronger in my faith and that I had the answers.  

Psalm 31:3

Since you are my rock and my fortress; for the sake of your name, lead and guide me

I suppose in the end, the why or who of life's obstacles doesn't really matter. The obstacles are here, they exist, they must be overcome and moved through.  So I will move off this path, and slowly step onto the next, placing each foot tenaciously on each little stone in front of me, until I get my bearings again.

The only thing I can do, is move forward and keep moving.  I can't look down and I certainly can't look back, for if I do, I am sure to fall off that stepping stone and lose the footing I just gained and that isn't an option.

Isaiah 43:18

Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past

Thank you Father though I don't always know the reasons for the change of course in my life or why of it happening, I am confident that I am not on the path alone.  I trust you to hold my hand as I maneuver the new territory I am forced to explore and I know that you will catch me if and when I stumble off this stepping stone.  I do not know where I am going, but with you by my side I can make it through whatever rough terrain you throw my way!

~ In Jesus Name

Today's Inspiration: Community

A community needs a soul if it is to become a true home for human beings. You, the people must git it this soul.

~Pope John Paul II

The Gypsy Mama offers a fun and creative way to write on Friday's, when your done here, head over there and challenge yourself!  The goal is to write for 5 minutes on a given topic freely, without editing or pretext, just to write to enjoy!

Topic:Community

START:

Many years ago, when I was a young mother, my then pastor's wife talked to me about what it meant to be part of a community and how I could rely on my church family to help me raise my child.  

At that time, I didn't feel the sense of community and certainly didn't understand what it was she was referring to.  I felt alone and struggled alone.  While the church was great in many ways, there definitely wasn't a sense of community.  I believed then that "Community" in the church was just a made up term to try and connect it's members.

Since then I have found a new church.  One in which the sense of community is so strong and so present that I get what she was saying then.  I have also learned, for me, community is a loose term for Family.  For that is what the members of the church have become to me, Family.

I no longer struggle alone, raise my children alone or worship alone.  No matter what needs I have, I have someone with whom I can seek for guidance, support, love or encouragement.  And on the other end, I can provide those same things to the other members of my community and family.  

Community is real and it's important and without it, I wouldn't be where I am today.  I am beyond grateful.

STOP:

Hebrews 10:24

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.

Today's Prayer/ Praise:
Thank you Lord for this community you have given me and my children, for this extended family, for the encouragement, inspiration, education, love, purpose and home.  Without them, Without You, Without Community, I wouldn't be where I am today. 

Lost

Inspirational Quote:

Once you choose hope, anything's possible.

~Christopher Reeve

Lately I have been feeling overly frustrated, unaccomplished and just plain low.  These feelings have been a constant struggle for me to pull out of and I am exhausted. 

I am particularly frustrated God's purpose for me.  I am not sure if I am deaf to what he is saying to me, or just plain stupid, but I am lacking direction from Him.  This is so frustrating for me because I am left living in limbo, without direction and purpose and constantly feel as though every thing I am doing, I am doing wrong or am not supposed to be doing.

As I child, I could discern God's voice clearly in my head from all others.  I knew exactly what was wanted and expected of me.  There was no question, there was no doubt, I knew when I had pleased My Father and when I did not exactly please Him.  I felt as a child, I had purpose.  I have not felt that purpose for my life, since I was a child.

I know that I blocked God's voice in my life in my teenage years.  As I got older, the natural relationship I had with him became strained, as I started to care what other's thought.  As a teenager my family didn't go to Church, I occasionally went with friends, but they were "forced" to go, so I could never let on how excited I was.  I stopped caring what God wanted, needed and thought of me, and started caring what my friends wanted, needed and thought of me.  I began to ignore God and then eventually learned to block all communication from God.  

For many years, this didn't really bother me.  I still tried to live "right", to be kind, courteous, respectful, to not break the law or the "rules".  But always something was missing.

As I got older, I began to realize what was missing was that personal closeness and relationship with God.  I began to long for that relationship with God again.  I began to pray more, read the bible here and there, attend Church here and there, but still I couldn't hear Him.  I began to doubt I ever had a relationship with him and fear that I blew the possibility of ever having one again because of the choices I made as a  teenager.  

I have grown much more these last few years and I know God has forgiven me, hears me and answers prayers for me, yet I still can't hear HIM.  I am still struggling to gain my footing and direction from Him.  I know enough to know it's me, not Him that is causing this blockage.  That I still have not torn down the barriers put in place by my teenage independence all those years ago.  I hope that soon, I can break down those barriers and live confident with God directing my life.

Psalm 63:1-8

You, God, are my God, 

   earnestly I seek you; 

I thirst for you, 

   my whole being longs for you, 

in a dry and parched land 

   where there is no water.

 I have seen you in the sanctuary 

   and beheld your power and your glory. 

 Because your love is better than life, 

   my lips will glorify you. 

 I will praise you as long as I live, 

   and in your name I will lift up my hands. 

 I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; 

   with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

  On my bed I remember you; 

   I think of you through the watches of the night. 

 Because you are my help, 

   I sing in the shadow of your wings. 

 I cling to you; 

   your right hand upholds me.

Dear Father,

Thank you for the opportunity to come before you and ask for forgiveness, thank you that you lovingly grant that forgiveness.  Today I seek your forgiveness for pushing you out of my life as a teenager.  I ask that you help me break down the barriers I built up, so that I could no longer hear You.  I ask that you help me push through those barriers, so that we can, once again, have the relationship we did when I was a child.  So all doubt, fear, worry, anxiety and confusion can be swept away and my life will have stability and direction through You.

~In Jesus Name