The time has come for me to forgive you. I don't want to and I am not doing this for you, I must forgive you for me, for my future for my life. I have thought often of the ten years to which you tormented my family and honestly, wished nothing but horrible things for you, but in the end I realized, your torment of me came from your own insecurities in your self.
You did not manipulate my husband because you are secure within yourself. You didn't use your daughter to control him because you hated me. You didn't call him in the middle of the night and prey on his weaknesses because of what I did and you didn't spend ten years trying to get him in your bed because you love him or want him. You did those things to try to convince yourself you were the better person. But in the end, did getting him in your bed make you feel good about yourself? What did you win really? You may have gotten him for a night, but he always left you and came back home.
When I really break down and think logically about all the things you did, how can I not forgive you? You are broken, shattered and jealous, you are insecure and feel inadequate. You place your worth in the ability to manipulate men, not just the man who chose me and not you.
You have spent your adulthood seeking relationships that will never be truly yours. You seek and involve yourself and your daughter only in the lives of married men, men who when they leave you, you can blame their wives and not yourself.
Your desire to prove something to yourself with my husband over the life of our marriage hurt me tremendously and it hurt my children and your daughter too. I also believe it hurt you. There was a time when I would think of how you invited me into your life, "for the sake of the children" all while seducing my husband behind my back and I wanted to hurt you for that. But I have come to realize, I can't hurt you more than you hurt yourself on a daily basis.
You spent years telling the world I was a monster to your daughter, but I wasn't, and you know it. The fact that I loved her and she loved me only heightened your insecurity and feelings of worthlessness and failure. I wish you had been happy that someone else loved, supported and protected your daughter also. But you couldn't see that. She is my children's sister and an amazing child, but your insecurities led you to believe that she could love me more.
When she came to me in tears in the summer of 2009 and told me that she couldn't keep coming to our home because you would grill her for days and weeks about everything her father and I did and it in effect made her miserable, it mad me so incredibly angry. You were torturing her, making her choose between peace at home(your home) and her other family. All I could do was hold her and weep with her. All I could do was love her for her honesty and strength and pray that your insecurity would not do long term, permanent damage to her or the other kids. Your actions made me feel helpless, so I did all I could do, I respected her need for peace and let her go. I will always hold her in my heart and her confirmations of love and appreciation to me for never putting her in the middle. I will hold her words of comfort to me in reassurance that never once had she been unhappy or miserable in my home, with me or with my family, despite what you try to convince everyone of. I will always remember her thanking me for never being 'one of those step-moms', but welcoming her with open arms, supporting her, loving her and involving her in the lives of her 'other family'.
It's incredibly sad when your insecurities affect that life of your child to such a degree that she has to hide waves to her siblings so you don't see. I fear that she will someday hate you for what you have done and I pray that she won't be damaged by the example that you have lead. It's not too late though you know. To heal what has been damaged, to heal what has been broken. It is never to late for that.
I have come to realize that all your brokenness, hatred and insecurity propelled you to do what you did and I can't help but forgive you for that now. I feel sorry for you, for the little girl within you that had dreams that I am sure didn't include multiple adulteress affairs or jealousy or ruin. It breaks my heart to think that for all that I hated of you, you hated yourself that much more. Nobody should live with the amount of insecurity and hate it appears you live with.
I hope someday, for your sake, that you will learn the art of forgiveness yourself. That you will set yourself free from the emotional baggage that you carry daily, for the fear within yourself that motivates you to hurt others. I hope that someday, despite all the mean things you have done, to so many, but mostly to yourself, you will realize that you too are worthy of love, good love, honest love, pure love. Love from a man that is not married, from a man that can give to you freely. I would start with forgiving yourself for B.
I hope you are able to open your eyes and your heart to honesty and face the fact that you and my husband were not meant to be, that together you are both more toxic than you are apart. I hope you realize what you two did, no longer has any affect on me or control of me. I honestly pity you both.
When you can begin the act of forgiving, you will be able to release the strongholds of jealousy, anxiety, illness, resentment, insecurity and alcoholism that control your life. You will set yourself free and you will enjoy the life that God has planned for you.
I will pray for you to be able to forgive those that have hurt you and yourself. I will pray for you to be able to heal from whatever event initially set you on the path you are on. I will pray for you to find a relationship with good people who only want the best for you. I will pray for your soul and that the enemy releases you and that you will eventually be set free from the toxicity that consumes you and the strongholds that bind you.
Good Luck to you RH, may you seek to find favor with the Lord.
I FORGIVE YOU!
I FORGIVE YOU!
Dear Father,
Tonight I lift to you RH. You know the mountains she faces, the trials and tribulations of her life far better than I do. I know she is a woman that hurts and has an incredible amount of pain, and that love has been far reaching from her life. I know by her actions that she is angry, confused, insecure and haunted. I ask that you place your loving arms around her this day and set her free from the pain that encompasses her. Where she needs to forgive, help her, where she needs to break free from strongholds, encourage her, where she needs to heal, heal her, where she needs guidance, guide her. She is your child God, built in an image of you, help her know the plans you have for her are good. If there is no Godly woman in her life, place one there, someone whom she can rely on, learn from and grow with. Someone that can help her find you. I trust in Your protection and arms, she can be set free from what has held her back and fulfill the calling you have for her.
~In Jesus Name
Amen
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