I have spent a lot of time the last couple of weeks contemplating the course and road I stumbled through the last two years. Wow, it has only just been a little over 2 years since the upheaval of my life, such a short time in reality, but so long in experience.
A little over 2 years ago, my marriage was a mess, my life was a chaotic turmoil of misery and frustration. I was not happy. Everyday was filled with some type of contention, some massive mountain to overcome, some spirit crushing instance. I was miserable, in spirit, in heart, to be around. My husband was drinking constantly and his drinking was making him mean and hateful. I wanted so badly out of this situation, but he wouldn't leave. He loved the "control" he thought he possessed over the children and I. He loved ruling over us, "I am a grown man, I can do what I want and the Lord says you have to deal with it and obey me." He loved to twist the bible and use is against me to justify his sinful ways. He craved the misery, I craved peace. He loved to remind me that the law would prevent me from removing him.
I can remember one particular night in April of that year, it was a school night, the kids were trying to sleep and he was going to get drunk, he had a "bad day" somebody "mad him mad" he headed down to the basement and cranked the radio as loud as it would go, screaming and hooting, hollering and singing, stumbling his way upstairs to wake the kids to "hang out". The kids all had school in the morning and were crying and miserable. As I tried to interfere and usher my kids back up stairs to the quietest part of the house, he began to throw the insults at me, let's be honest, it was abuse, verbal and damaging. After I finally got the kids back to bed and settled I headed downstairs, my hope was to reason with him, as I reached the landing to the basement, I could hear him on the phone, bashing me to his ex. I remember crumbling to the floor and crying literally, to God to save the children and I from this awful existence, from the hatred, contempt, disrespect and misery that had become every waking minute. I prayed for my spouse to have an "awakening", to leave for anything to happen that would just stop the roller coaster that had become my life.
Just a few days later, God answered that prayer. He didn't answer it the way I would have chosen and his answer created so much more confusion in my already confused mind that it took 2 years to realize that the circumstance he used was the right one. It took time to clear the hate, the anger, the pain and the resentment that had built up in my mind as fact and reality to be removed and cleared, before I would see that what happened, though painful and confusing was God in control. It would take that amount of time before I stopped wrestling for control and let God lead, as I prayed for him to do on so many occasions.
It took almost two years for me to accept that I was not a failure, that I had a right to happiness, though my spouse continued to live in misery. It took me almost 2 years to accept that not all marriages are blessed by God and the dissolution of a marriage such as mine wasn't failure, it was instead a saving grace. I want to say that I wish I had realized this sooner, but I know that I needed to walk down the path that I did. I need to come to the realizations the way I have, I needed to get where I am through the trials that led me here. Though the process was painful at time, uncomfortable at others and humiliating throughout, I am thankful for what I have been through.
While I was scrambling to save myself and my children, while we were drowning and others stood by watching, I learned so much about myself. I knew after what my first husband had put me through I was a strong woman. But through the abuse of my second marriage, I had forgotten how strong I was. This particular journey not only reminded me how strong I was, it increased my strength. I was also renewed. I was renewed in myself, in my beliefs, my strength and in my relationship with God. Though I felt like I was withering and dying, I was growing, I was changing, I was becoming who I was destined to be.
I will forever be changed by the journey I was on, I will carry some scars and a piece of me will always be just a little broken. Not for a marriage that needed to end, bur for the larger family that was destroyed. For the children that suffered, for the Brothers and Sisters that may never see or speak to each other again. For the children that I loved and lost.
The story isn't over, a new chapter is simply being written. I don't know what tomorrow holds, where I will go next, but I know that God is in control, he always was, though I didn't see it. For the first time in years, I am content, comfortable and at peace with where my life is right now. I am confidant that God is in control and I am excited for the next chapter to be written.
